On vacation? Great! It’s time to take part in that great American pastime of senselessly pilfering towels and toiletries from your hotel room. Recently, while visiting some family for the holidays, I had the pleasure of staying in one of those mysterious, stain-covered germ playgrounds that we like to call overnight accommodation, but this time stealing the soap bars just wasn’t cutting it. I needed a bigger rush. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, consider making off with one or more of the following:
1. The Gideon’s Bible — Nothing’s classier than collecting Bibles meant to bring hope and meaning to lost souls! Plus: they come in all sorts of colors, from camo to periwinkle – gotta’ catch ‘em all!
2. The remote control — It’s fun making lazy people stand up to change the channel. Plus: it’ll make people really pissed off when they realize they don’t know how to get to the On-Demand “Movies” that they like to watch without a remote.
3. The Maid — Although that may or may not be considered kidnapping. (Ed. note: legal seems to be going with kidnapping.)
4. The Fire Alarm — Hey, if they can’t realize for themselves that there’s a fire in the building, they probably don’t deserve to survive – it’s called natural selection.
5. The Bath Tub — That would be Step 1 to becoming the next Diogenes. Step 2: urinate on those who insult you, defecate in a theater, and try slamming the salami in a marketplace. Just try not to get captured and sold into slavery by pirates.
6. The Privacy Please Sign — It makes me giggle thinking about Consuela insisting that she needs more lemon pledge while an unsuspecting couple is trying to have a little alone time…
7. Anything but the toilet — Seriously. Don’t. That’s gross.
8. The Mini-Fridge — If you take the whole thing, they won’t be able to judge you for eating everything in it.
9. The Bell Hop’s Hat — It’s coming back into style; you know what they say: red is the new red! (Ed. note: No. They don’t say that. No one has ever said that.) And you can get a second one so that you and your pet monkey can match! Also, then nobody will question you when you go into the “employees only” areas to steal other things.
10. The windows — They’ll never expect it.
11. The Luggage Carts — Motorize and weaponize them and it’s jousting like never before! Why steal the carts if you have the funds to motorize and weaponize them, you ask? Well, stop it.
12. The Key Card Activator — This allows you to move things around a bit, just to let people know you’ve been in there while they were sleeping.
13. Their Business Plan — Now you can run your own hotel failing hotel chain! It’ll be just like monopoly, except this way, when you buy a hotel on Broadway, instead of waiting countless turns for somebody to land on it and getting pissed off every time somebody passes it and lands on Go, you’ll just fall straight into bankruptcy within a couple of months – no waiting necessary! (One Monopoly turn is roughly equivalent to three or four human weeks, depending on the number of players, of course.)
14. Bacon — Self explanatory.
-ALCJ ‘14