Archive for December, 2009

Makers of Novelty 2000′s New Years’ Glasses: “We’re fucked.”

NEW YORK – “What the hell!?  I can’t see out these damn things.  What am I going to do with six hundred thousand “2010″ sunglasses that don’t even fit over my eyes!?  Oh God, I’m ruined!” said Richard Sclafani, inventor of the hugely popular line of...
December 31st, 2009 | Business | Read More

Edward Cullen’s Letter to Santa

In the spirit of Christmas (and a bunch of other holidays we could mention to be politically correct, but when have we ever?), Tiger has decided to do a one-part series on celebrities’ letters to Santa as our present to you. But really, come on, it’s Christmas morning, why are you reading...
December 25th, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More

How To Start Your Own Doomsday Panic

Pattern recognition is mankind’s third greatest weakness, just behind bullets and YouTube videos of sneezing baby pandas. In recent years, the best example of our collective failure of induction has been the repetitive cycle of doomsday panics in popular culture. Rarely does a year pass without a...
December 15th, 2009 | Life | Read More

Brainstorming The Upcoming Sherlock Holmes Movie

Bear with me here. We’ve got a box office smash on our hands if we play this right. The Car Scene So Holmes and Watson are out on patrol or whatever they do, you know, scouting out mysteries. Watson’s all steamed, you know, because Sherlock’s supposed to show him the ropes but instead...
December 12th, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More

EthiopiaFML Shuts Down Citing Extremely Depressing Posts

In January of 2008, people all over the world discovered a new way to vent their life’s frustrations with the launch of fmylife.com. People come to the site and submit short stories of just a few sentences about something embarrassing or terrible that happened to them, always signing with the letters...
December 10th, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More

Quickie News: Campus Feminists’ Participation in “No Shave November” A Success

This past month, campus feminists decided to participate in “No Shave November,” with the rousing endorsement of gender pioneer President Shirley Tilghman, who pledged to do the same. In a press release, campus feminists stated that “it’s unfair that women have a social obligation...
December 8th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Shake Up Your Hook Up

The Hook Up is In! Breaking news: American college students have spoken: the “hook up” is in. Experts concur that this is mostly a result of a soul-sucking adolescent urge to “bang” combined with how it is increasingly difficult to find a reliable source of sex, i.e. a girlfriend or boyfriend....
December 6th, 2009 | Life | Read More

IPCC Climate Scientist: “This world shall burn!”

GENEVA – “Blindly you have ignored the signs; recklessly did you disregard our warnings.  Now this world shall burn!” said Dr. Daniel Bernstein at the IPCC’s press conference in Geneva.  Bernstein, a scientist who has devoted much of his career to raising awareness of humans’...
December 5th, 2009 | Sci/Tech | Read More

Burqas: A Scientific Defense

Burqas: A Scientific Defense A fundamental principle of modern sociological thought is the legendary syllogism that states that mo’ money yields mo’ bitches yields mo’ problems, or the “Gangsta’s Chain.” An oft-neglected corollary to the Chain derives from the postulate that it is to the...
December 3rd, 2009 | Opinion | Read More

Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen. Though Biden was in a perilous state of health immediately after consuming the...
December 1st, 2009 | Politics | Read More