Archive for October, 2009

Probable Conversations Between High Ranking Government Officials On Contemporary Issues Of Importance

Pot H.R.G.O. 1: Aaaargh, I hate marijuana so much! H.R.G.O. 2: I hate it, too! I hate it more than almost anything! H.R.G.O. 1: I hate it almost as much as I hate teenagers! I hate them and their rock and roll music and sexy denim clothing and alcohol parties! H.R.G.O. 2: I am just livid with hate...
October 30th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Study Shows Drinking Improves Foreign Language Skills; Test Takers Accused of “Doping”

A recent groundbreaking study by Tiger Magazine’s psychological research team shows that there is a significant link between alcohol consumption and foreign language speaking ability. The study showed that as Blood Alcohol Content increases, there is almost a four hundred percent improvement in...
October 25th, 2009 | Sci/Tech | Read More

One Hundred Lies About Barack Obama

1. Barack Obama’s signature drink is the 7&7&7 (ice, Seagram 7, 7-Up, a seven dollar bill) 2. Though not a secret Muslim, Barack Obama is, in fact, a secret Sikh, which is significantly harder to keep secret. 3. Barack Obama will only agree to enter a stadium or sports arena if his entrance...
October 20th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Future Of Princeton Football Uncertain After DeVry Loss

Following an 85-0 loss to the DeVry University “Fightin’ Stenographers,” the termination of Princeton University’s football program is being discussed as a budget-cutting measure, according to University president Shirley Tilghman. “It really seems like the logical next step for the program....
October 18th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Kanye West Hired by United Nations as Official Speech Timekeeper

Recently, after Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi effectively turned his 15-minute speech at the latest United Nations conference into an hour-and-thirty-six-minute observational comedy stand-up routine, the United Nations has decided that circumlocution will no longer be tolerated. According to Ban...
October 15th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Guide to Selling Rap Albums

Song Music Entertainment, Inc. New York, NY October13, 2009 To: All music producers From: Jonathan W. Davis, VP Musical Direction Subject: NEW ARTISTIC DIRECTION In light of flagging sales, it is becoming increasingly clear that the music industry as a whole must reinvent itself in order to survive...
October 13th, 2009 | Entertainment | Read More

New Chinese Characters

The Chinese language has existed for thousands of years and, like any language, it must change and adapt to fit the needs of its speakers as time passes.  Recognizing this need, the Chinese government recently charged the People’s Glorious Commission on Language with revamping the Chinese language,...
October 11th, 2009 | Life | Read More

Facebook Considers Purchase of Second Webserver

PALO ALTO, CA – The popular online social networking/anonymous stalking utility known as Facebook has enjoyed explosive growth since its founding in 2004. When Facebook founder and small Massachusetts college dropout Mark Zuckerberg started the site out of his dorm room, he had originally hosted...
October 9th, 2009 | Business | Read More

Obama Wins Peace Prize

The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and” — wait, what?  Now don’t get me wrong, Obama seems all cool and stuff, but honestly, the man has been president for 8 months.  Even if he cured...
October 9th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Montanan Speaks Out Against Shirley Tilghman

Shirls is all like, awkward. And Hannah is all like, singing. Breaking news: Almost three weeks after Princeton President Shirley Tilghman announced that Montana was the only unrepresented state in the Princeton Class of 2013, a Montanan member of the Class of 2013 spoke out. Wishing to be identified...
October 6th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More