Sci/Tech
Genius Roommate Knows Exactly What Characters in The Thing Should Have Done
In an unexpected turn of events, local roommate Keith Anderson declared that he had solved the dilemma of the characters in John Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi horror film, The Thing. In…
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Scientists Successfully Synthesize First Ever Particle of Platonic Male-Female Friendship
In what is being hailed as a victory for theoretical physicists and social psychologists alike, researchers at the Institute for…
A Win for Compromise: Instead of Performing Abortions, Scientists Have Begun Freezing the Babies and Storing Them for Later
In what is being hailed as a truly groundbreaking solution to one of the most divisive issues of our time,…
Amazon’s Alexa™
The couple arrive home. She puts down her bag, he throws the car keys onto the counter. The Amazon Alexa™…
Aliens Are Here and They’re Completely Unbangable
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press release yesterday, NASA announced that the big day is finally here: intelligent, friendly extraterrestrial life forms…
I’m Beginning to Think My Lab’s “Smasherator” Experiments are Unnecessarily Cruel to Lab Mice
Let me begin by saying that I’m not an animal rights activist or anything. As a Princeton student studying Molecular…
iDrive like an Asshole
Self-driving car manufacturers are reportedly attempting to assuage consumer fears that their products do not adequately replicate mankind’s capacity…
A Boy Asks His Physics Teacher a Hard Question
Class is ending. BOY approaches TEACHER. BOY: Hey, Mr. Rothstein? I’ve got kind of a hard question. TEACHER: What is it,…
Top 25 Space Universities in the Universe
1. 24-Hour Night School 2. Battleschool Scholastica 3. UFO (Univ. of Flying Objects) 4. Deep Space University: Now offering 2.7 degrees! 5.…