William Zhao^'29

Fine Hall not ‘Fine’ Enough: University Announces Finer Hall

University Administration has announced the construction of a new, more beautiful building on campus

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Erika Kirk, the Turning Point USA boy-band frontwoman known for her eulogolic yet celebratory performances, has been chosen to perform.

The University has announced that raccoons will be required to pay for dining plans, causing immediate backlash.

Consoled by the knowledge that Penelope was safe with Cornell's tradition of involuntary celibacy