My Roommate’s Alarm Keeps Waking Me Out Of Cryogenic Sleep
Normally, my roommate and I get along fine. Cameron’s pretty good about respecting my space and all. But…
What a Time To Be a Tiger! by Jeff Bezos
First Years! Congratulations, and get ready for Princeton! With improved infrastructure and a student body more diverse than…
Rejected Freshman Seminars
FRS 191 Nazi Gold: Every Single History Channel Documentary Played Over the Course of the Semester FRS 144…
Eager Freshmen Become Best Friends with Facebook Spambot
The security of the 'Princeton Class of 2021' Facebook group was called into question this week, as multiple…
“Loser” Dinky Conductor Accepts TI Pass as Train Ticket
PRINCETON, NJ According to various reports by envious students, a New Jersey Transit train conductor on the Princeton…
Gary Johnson Proves Possibility Of Presidential Win, Detaches Thumb
America was left reeling this week as presidential candidate and kooky neighborhood bird-scarer Gary Johnson took to the…
7 Local Restaurants that Will Probably Still Serve You If You Insist on Bringing my Uncle Leslie
My Uncle Leslie’s years of disruptive behavior have made him an unwelcome presence at most local establishments. If,…
The REAL Freshman Dictionary: 20 Terms Every Princeton Freshman Should Know
Alcohol Initiative /al-kuh-hawl ih-nish-ee-uh-tiv/ n. Take the initiative to consume more alcohol. Shots, bitch! Bicker /bik-er/ n. The…
A Letter to the Class of 2020
College is an exciting time. For the next four years, you’ll be learning new things, exploring new places,…
New Movies Inspired By Independence Day
In light of the modest financial success of the recently-released Independence Day: Resurgence, producers have started to mine…
Total Loser Freshman Not Yet Found His Place on Campus
University administrators were shocked to learn Tuesday, that piece-of-shit freshman Jeremy Barton had not yet managed to find…
All Jokes Aside, I’m Going to Need to See Some I.D. (by Officer Carlson)
Look, I get it. You were out looking for a couple of laughs. Probably expected to have yourself…
An Honor Code Conspiracy Theory
A warm welcome to our new students. For many of you, this is a time of transition, and…
I Have Been Really Loving All The Politics Recently
Wow, this election season sure is crazy, huh? I don’t normally get that into politics, (it’s usually so…
11 Honor Code Hacks Your Professors Don’t Want You To Know
Now some of you may have heard of Princeton’s stringent honor code, perhaps even heard horror stories of what…