Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun
The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at…
President Eisgruber Gains Sentience
University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ -Â A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier…
My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical
On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design…
Five Places in America To Visit If You Really Have Nothing Better To Do
Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, Allentown PA This fairly run-of-the-mill theme park in eastern Pennsylvania is probably good…
Ruthless American Grilling Tyrant Overthrown in Bloodless Family Coup
With football tailgate season well underway, sources claim that local uncle Gary Bendenberg has been deposed from his…
3 Tips on Finally Coming Out to the Person You’ve Been Relentlessly Cyberbullying
#1. Be ready for the worst Maybe this will not change anything for Gary. Maybe he will say,…
The Best Days in American History
America is a great place. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. But these days, you…
How To Write a Political Cartoon
Well, hey there, palerinos, are you boys and girls excited to learn how to draw the fuck out…
How to Talk Like an American
Howdy, my fellow internationals. As immigrants in America, we seek to acclimatise as well as possible in the…
Changes Trump Has Made to the White House
President Trump has made quite a few changes to the White House to bring it up to his…
The National Parks Suck and We All Know it
Our national parks have been a source of American pride for decades, a symbol of our love for…
It is the Burger King
It is the Burger King Strange traveler, I warn you Ahead lies only sizzling destruction The crackling voice…
New Evidence Suggests The Native Americans Had Dibs
WASHINGTON—Leading historians from the Smithsonian Institute revealed Tuesday that new evidence has emerged suggesting that the Native Americans…
What is Barack Obama Going to Do Now?
Try out bangs Demonstrate exercise equipment in late-night infomercials  Finally let out that fart he's been holding…