The Princeton Straight Man’s Guide: How To Talk to Gay Men

By Adam Sanders '25

They look just like you… they have a penis in the same place… but they don’t want to talk about DONDA! Encountering a gay while networking can be scary and disturbing for the Princeton man looking to make it in the big city. Here’s your how-to guide on safeguarding your fragile heterosexuality while moving up the business ladder! 1. Act Cool! Gays can smell fear. Hide your unease by blending in! Say things like: What did you think of the new Charli XCX album? I love fracking – RuPaul and I have so much in common. Your outfit slays, queen! Where do you buy your glitter and thongs? Make sure to be clear that you are not interested in having sexual intercourse. Gay: Hey there, how’s it going? That can’t be right. Let’s run it through the Logical Jump Translator (patent pending). Gay (implied): Wanna watch RuPaul while I massage your inner thigh? Princeton Tiger: No, thanks. I understand and respect your culture, but please, keep it far away from me! Note how respectful a good Tiger is! This brings us to step number 2! 2. Keep a woman around! Women are White Jesus’ natural protection against gay men. Bringing women around male homosexuals both distracts and disgusts them, while allowing you to show off your progressive social views to a potential mate! Introduce your current female to the homosexual in question in a way that both affirms your straightness but falls short of actively committing a hate crime: Princeton Tiger: Hey, queen! Gay: Purr, honey… who is this? At this point, the Gay has recognized the woman’s presence. His complex electro-sensory organs and cybertronic androgynic receptors have not yet detected your strong, heterosexual presence. Princeton Tiger: This is Clarissa, the woman with whom I am currently sexually and romantically involved. Gay: Your dress is so Yass. Do you like Lady Gaga? The woman should maintain her silence and smile. Woman: Gay: Slay. While the gay and woman converse, you are free to escape 3. Just be yourself! Ultimately, what gays value most is authenticity. That’s why they’ve protested for years – to drink their iced oat lattes, to bleach their hair at the most minor inconvenience, and to do hard drugs in children’s playgrounds. If you want to network with a gay and move up that corporate ladder, Tiger, you gotta listen to Lady Gaga and be yourself, ‘cause you were “Born This Way!" Gay: So why do you want to work with us at Gold Man Sacks? Princeton Tiger: Listen, fella. I’m a straight man. I’m straight. I like women, beer, football, cars, beer, and keeping prying hands far away from my butthole. I need a job in finance so that my father doesn’t think I’m a disappointment and write me out of his will. Gay: Purr, sweetie! Daddy issues? Say less–You’re hired! Congratulations! You’ve done it: you’ve outsmarted the gay! Celebrate with a beer or two with the boys – but make sure not to drink too much! You remember what happened last year with your roommate…you were both drunk… it was cold… you were lonely... Push that down! Because if there’s anything to learn from the gays, it’s the magic of repres- sion! AS '25