Self-Help from a Mastermind, Guru, and Hot Woman All in One

By Jamie Feder '23

The best way to help yourself is probably by being less of a massive cunt total bitch. It’s nothing personal, but maybe your mom was right about you being inherently unkind. She’s not really sure how you ended up like that, considering what a saint she is, but regardless you did. You’re probably like dad, who, let’s face it, is a little bit emotionally stunted. Although you’re at Princeton, I do think you’re just a bit dense and you utilized some school connections or athletic ball or bag of money to get in here, so I’m gonna spell out how to be a better person in a few easy steps. Stop judging other people for wearing “ugly” outfits. Since when is a college campus a club of genteels? Plus I know your mom didn’t approve of that skank show of bra-top and those shorts that might as well be sold at Victoria Secret. And ALSO would it kill you to wear a bra? Does everybody need to know the curvature of your breasts and nipples? Stop hooking up with frat guys. You know they don’t respect you so it’s probably gonna make you bitter when it fizzles out, hence bitchy to more important people, like your mom, who really wants what’s best for you, and for you to just be a little nicer because your angel-like brother makes you the devil reincarnated. Stop using your roommate’s toothbrush to clean your anus. I know it’s really hard to reach but I have a tip for you. Bend down when showering so your ass is facing the shower faucet. It’s amazing what water can do with enough force ;). Stop being fake nice to people. Next time say it w/ your chest. I swear to god if I hear one more of you hoaxes making your voice really high, submissive, and breedable to say something to an acquaintance you don’t care about and then lowering into sexy bad-bitch baritone timbre the second they leave, I will throw some hands. Let’s normalize not changing our vocal inflections to talk to people. Your mother didn’t raise a try-hard! JF '23