Princeton Unveils Brand-New “Centre of Just Getting By”

By Imaan Khasru '23

The dry leaves between the Streicker Bridge and Fine Hall are home to more than just roadkill: they now also house Princeton’s first-ever Centre of Just Getting By, a revolutionary collaboration between the Counselling and Psychological Services (CPS) and the Centre for Disease Control. We reached out to the CDC for comment, but were only told “Failure is a disease,” followed by muffled crying in the background. Spanning a whopping 348,470 sq ft distributed over 9 all-glass floors, the new Centre stands as an aesthetic landmark in the otherwise natural setting of surrounding forestry. “We were inspired by the LCA and New South Building,” says newly appointed Dean of Student Mediocrity, Dr. Fergie Licious. “2 contracting teams quit on us when we showed them the first plans, but you know what they say: third time’s the charm! Haha... Also money. Money’s the charm.” The CoJGB (pronouced Codge-BEE) hopes to address issues of Princeton community members feeling torn between hyper-ambition and total desolation─ an all-or-nothing mindset contributing to the mental distress of students and alumni alike.“We were reaching out to post-grads and realized there was one thing we keep forgetting to teach students before they graduate: how to just be okay.” In response to a survey question asking “Howzit hangin,” an overwhelming 79% of alums reported they were “not good, homie lol,” with only 12% responding “Gucci gang Gucci gang Gucci gang Gucci gang.” "We didn’t know we had an internship program until those survey results came back,” explained Dean Licious, “but rest assured, we no longer do.” In a sparkling opening weekend, the Centre brought in a total of 128 Princeton community members seeking assistance. “I got lost and thought it was Frick,” said one confused but chipper Freshman. They seemed startled 50 minutes into their introductory session, when their advisor informed them they would be receiving “A for Effort” grades just for showing up─ a key factor of “Getting By.” Indeed, this strategy seems to be the Centre’s biggest method of recruitment, with 114 out of 128 initial clients being lost Freshman and tour groups. Of the remaining, 12 were seniors with a newly lost grip on life. “I just don’t know if I can get by after graduating, do you know what I mean?” said ’22 Astrophysics concentrator Brian Kelps. “I can find a job at night, sure, but it’s like… who am I when it’s… day? So I came to the Centre for help.” The remaining 2 opening ceremony-goers were excited student activists hoping to publicly cheer on the Centre’s mission. “We thought they meant, like… just getting by. As in morally. Without any unfair cost to the BIPOC, the working class, or the environment. We should’ve known better.” They made no further comments. Not because they refused to talk, but because they were huge bummers, and the entire journalistic team pretended to receive the same phone call as an excuse to leave. Regardless, the sparkling opening sets the Centre is up for what will surely be a successful run. If nothing else, it keeps strong Princeton’s tradition of continuous construstion projects that make campus a better place for future generations, at the cost of current students’ wellbeing. And who doesn’t love tradition? IK '23