Princeton Student Gets Into Stable, Long-Term Relationship

By Charlotte Sussman '29

Earlier this week, math Major Jim Dillon hard-launched his relationship with anthropology major Area Woman on LinkedIn. In a post titled “New Position,” Jim stated, “I am thrilled to announce that I am officially in a relationship with the lovely Area Woman. We are so happy and excited for what will indubitably be a fulfilling endeavor for us both.” In the wake of the announcement, shock waves rippled across campus, resulting in an earthquake so immense that Fine Hall was completely swallowed. At least forty-two students reported being so stunned that their brains totally exploded. President Greistopher Chrisuber issued a statement regarding the so-called relationship: “In this unprecedented time, it is vital that we all take care of and support each other. Obviously not, like, to that extent though. It shouldn’t get freaky.” When asked about the response to her relationship, Area Woman said, “I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. We’re just two people who ordered the same thing at a coffee shop and reached for our drinks at the same time. It’s seriously not that out of the blue.” At press time, Area Woman and Jim Dillon offered no further explanations of this abnormality, choosing instead to canoodle on a heart-shaped swingset.