New Self-Help Kits to Help Mitigate the Guilt of Attending Princeton

By Ben Gelman '23

In an effort to keep students’ spirits high in the middle of a busy and stressful semester, Residential Colleges and USG have partnered to promote a new self-care initiative, “Don’t Think About It” aimed at mitigating one of the worst mental health problems Princeton students face: the existential guilt of attending this moral sewer of a school. Included in the goody bags are helpful distractions including a coloring book, a fidget spinner, and a mini-funhouse mirror, all aimed at providing healthy alternatives to sitting around ruminating about the magnitude of the $37.7 billion endowment. “I mean, that’s like millions per student, right?”yelped one panicked frosh, after considering how that money might be better spent on fighting climate change or assisting with the eviction crisis. Luckily, they were soon calmed upon the sight of a refreshing face cleanser in their bag. “Before this initiative, I was pretty freaked out by all the data demonstrating that public institutions like CUNY actually do a way better job than Princeton of creating economic mobility among low-income students... like, if that’s true, then what’s the point of all this?” said another concerned student. “But I think this new program should put my mind to rest. They even gave away free boba along with it, and I was soothed before I had time to even consider how much that might have cost.” “The point of this initiative is to put our students at ease,” said one of its directors. “They have so much on their plates, like exams and relationship drama, that they don’t have the mental bandwidth to really sit with the fact that a school with our level of wealth pays a lot of its student workers below $15 an hour, hasn’t divested from fossil fuels, and pays $600 for lawn chairs.” “I think what’s great about the self-care plan is that it really binds us all together,” remarked a junior in attendance. It reminds us that no matter our differences, we’re all complicit in an amount of wealth hoarding that should honestly be a crime, and that can be kind of heavy to think about on your own sometimes, so it’s nice to get a sense of community out of that.” At the time of writing, school administrators were also considering a more career-oriented self-care bag, to help curb the despair of any students who might be distressed at the fact that SPIA sends way more students into finance or consulting than public service. “Wait, but isn’t that ostensibly the purpose of the whole majo-” began one student, before their attention was redirected toward a new “Live Well, Be Rich" wall poster. BG '23