Move Over, So-Called Alphas and Sigmas. Get on the Gruber Grindset with These 5 Simple Steps

By Jupiter Ding '24

Greetings, readers of The Princeton Tiger, it’s me: Christopher L. Eisgruber. Let’s be honest. You’re nowhere near anything that could even remotely be considered a successful life. But no worries, my friend. I’m here to help you dominate your world—regardless of whatever your lifestyle may be—with the Gruber Grindset. Here’s the secret: You may have heard of a guy named Friedrich Nietzsche and his Übermensch, the ultimate goal for humanity. But Nietzsche was too feebleminded to ever foresee the Grubermensch: the commanding, omnipotent being who crushes alphas, betas, and sigmas alike under his perfectly-shined loafers. In other words, the peak human form exemplified by, well, yours truly. I can’t promise that any of you will ever be a Grubermensch too. But hell, you can get close. Here’s how. Step 1: Confidence Impressions will get you far. No matter how smart, talented, or handsome you might be, you need people to listen to you first. Pose with your arms crossed. Dress as if you just walked out of an Armani ad in Times Square. (Well, when you’re not too busy borrowing Dumbledore’s Halloween robes for Commencement.) Use big words that basically no one knows the meaning of, like, “ethical.” And once you’ve established your presence, people will take you seriously. So, so seriously. Trust me. Step 2: Make connections No, I’m not talking about followers on social media; the self-proclaimed old-schooler has done well enough without it. I’m talking people, the suckers who’ll do favors for you because you, I don’t know, once said something nice to them in Hyde Park in the summer of 1987. I’ll admit it—if this were any other article, I’d flippantly tell you that you have nothing to worry about. Like, you’re already smart and charming enough, you go to Princeton for Christ’s sake, stop worrying. Annoying, isn’t it? Well, those other articles are right. You’re fine. Really. Just make sure you spelled “Princeton" on your LinkedIn correctly. Honestly, if you’re still reading this step, I don’t even know if I can trust you to do that right. Step 3: Hygiene This one’s often overlooked, yet absolutely crucial. Here’s what my morning routine looks like: 1. Brush teeth 2. Floss with the fibers of students’ missing Whitman College jackets 3. Shower in the tears of FLI students 4. Face mask (30 minutes): pages from the MAT104 textbook soaked in saliva from the COVID test clinic. Obviously, the specific details aren’t important. (Just kidding, they are. Don’t ask why.) I’ll leave it up to you to get the right products. Step 4: Ask other people for money A lot of the folk I’ve talked to struggle to understand this one. But really, you need all the resources you can get to succeed. I’m not just talking about convincing people to invest in you—I’m talking hustle. I’m talking networking (see Step 2). I’m talking catchy slogans, like, I don’t know, “Venture Forward” or “In the Nation’s Service and the Service of Humanity.” I’m talking flying to the West Coast in the middle of the year and speaking at God-knows-how-many alumni events. Why? Nothing stops the grind. Step 5: Allow students to write satirical articles about you Hey, that’s free speech. Embrace the haters—if you can’t handle them, you’ll never make it out there. And especially if you’re the President of Princeton University, there’s gonna be plenty of haters among your students. You know, like those people who criticize your free speech policy for being inconsistent with the purported mission of the University—those imbeciles who say that even though such a policy allows them to criticize you in the first place, it also still seems to tolerate explicitly hurtful dialogue. Like, the kind of dialogue that makes students of marginalized identities legitimately doubt that Princeton is a place where they can expect to be treated as real human beings. But anywho, that’s a bunch of baloney. So that’s how you can be a Grubermensch like me. You’re welcome for the advice, kid—see you in your nightmares. JD '24