Lonely? Make a Silly Putty® Partner!

By Ethan Magistro '24 and Danielle Jenkins '23

Dating in college can be a drag. Unfortunately, not all of us are suave, sigma-energy pick-up artists who can scoop a hot catch up with ease, and chances are, you’ve had more bad luck than good when it comes to getting out there. So why keep trying? Turn your love life around with the ideal, Silly Putty® partner instead! Here’s a quick guide for how to shape the perfect partner: 1. Collect 62 kilograms of Silly Putty®, some fancy clothes, and a beating human heart. The average weight of a human is 62 kilograms. Getting all that Putty might be tough, but I know a guy. I know one for the beating heart, too. Let’s just keep this between you and me, though, alright?. 2. Decide which secondary sex characterisitcs your partner will have. Do you want an Adam’s apple, hairy toes, and hair in other places on your putty pal, or are you more of a putty areola and wide hips kinda person? 3. If your Silly Putty® Partner has a dick, is it going to be circumcised? Whatever you feel about circumcision, at the end of the day you’re the one who’s going to have to do the chopping. 4. Think of a name for your Silly Putty® Partner. Ajax the Conqueror is fine, but you could always opt for something more unique like “Akhenaten, Lord of the Sun” or “Charlie.” 5. Much like Prometheus forming the first humans, sculpt your Silly Putty® into the hot dream babe of your choice. Prometheus blending them with streams of rain, moulded them into an image of the all-controlling gods. While other animals look downwards at the ground, he gave them an upturned aspect, commanding them to look towards the skies, and, upright, raise their face to the stars. So the earth, that had been, a moment ago, uncarved and imageless, changed and assumed the unknown shapes of hot, bootylicious putty people. (Ovid, Metamorphoses Book I:68-88 Humankind) 6. Decide the sexuality of your Silly Putty® Partner. Wait, no, you can’t do that. That’s highly offensive. But how are they going to figure that out? They’re putty. Shit. 7. Do you want to be sexually compatible with your Silly Putty® Partner? We’re not perverts. Maybe you just want to go on long walks with your putty partner instead of fucking their brains out. 8. Find a quiet place and do what you must. I’m just kidding. We are perverts. 9. What have you done. 10. File divorce proceedings. You know the old saying, “50% of Silly Putty® marriages end in divorce.” But they have as much as a right as anyone to live the life they choose. You may have brought them into this world, but you have no right to bring them out of it. It seems like the court thinks you have no right to your car, either. EM '24, DJ '23