How To Solve a Workplace Accountability Conflict

By Nate Perlmeter '22

Every office is constantly in a war between those creating conflict and those attempting to stop it. Though it’s a different experience for everyone, here are some general tips to help you get through. 1. Mindfulness meditation can be incredibly helpful. Controlled breathing, attention to your surroundings, and awareness of your body’s relationship to space are all important elements of getting through a workplace accountability conflict without getting caught. 2. Plan exactly where, when, and how you’ll solve the workplace accountability conflict. Leave nothing to chance. And of course, have a good alibi. You don’t want to be in a position of not being able to explain where you were when your workplace accountability conflict was solved. 3. Dark clothing is a must, but consider getting some new duds (paying cash of course), or quietly borrowing some from a hard-of-hearing friend. The important thing is that when you’re solving a workplace accountability conflict, nobody knows it’s you solving it. 4. You can keep yourself from leaving fingerprints by cutting the first layer of skin off each of your fingers with an X-Acto knife. Seems a bit extra, but it’s an essential part of solving a workplace accountability conflict that many forget. 5. Make sure that your instrument-of-solving-the-workplace-accountability-conflict is well cleaned, cocked, and loaded. Better if it’s not registered with HR. 6. Make sure the person with whom you are having the workplace accountability conflict can’t see you, and for the sake of your own sanity, see if you can solve the workplace accountability conflict at a time when you can’t see their face contort from the pain of working through an accountability conflict. 7. Solve the workplace accountability conflict, do the clean up, and get out of there. 8. Make sure you ask for some vacation time for when you plan on solving the conflict. This is going to take a lot of your time, and you don’t want people to think you’re in-town while solving the work accountability conflict. 9. And don’t forget the sweatpants and ice cream! NP '22