“Girl, That’s Piss from a Sewer”: Cloister Inn Denies All Involvement in Cannon Basement Flooding

By Gavin Stroud '28

PRINCETON, NJ. At around 9:45 PM EDT Sunday night, partiers gathered in front of the stage at Cannon Dial Elm Club looked down in horror to find the floor glossy with a sheen of “piss water,” which suffused the room with a heavy odor of urine. Tiger Magazine’s investigative journalism team caught and interviewed guests exiting the club and gathered their thoughts. “I mean, I honestly didn’t realize anything was wrong until the stuff was up to my ankles,” said a member of the Class of 2029.“You kind of expect that stuff at Cannon. You don’t really notice the smell of piss and beer after a while, so it was really jarring when I could feel my socks were soaked with the stuff. I mean, like, more than the usual amount.” The student interviewed has chosen to remain anonymous, not wanting to hurt his bicker prospects come spring semester. First-year Jane Dillon complained, “Honestly, it was a disaster. You come to Cannon, especially after lawn parties, and you expect some good and wholesome fun. Hangover remedy type shit. So it really feels like a betrayal when there’s piss on the ground.” When asked if she had been to Cannon before, Dillon said yes, she was quite fond of the student-run café in the basement. One of the few seniors in attendance, Reese Holder, reported feeling a certain déjà vu at the sewage incident. “It just felt so familar…the smell…the feel of it seeping into my shoes…Of course I had to taste it to be sure, and––yep!––it’s 100% Cloister beer, not sewage at all.” The theory driving the present sewage overflow investigation is that the piss water is in fact years of built up “Moist Cloist” “beer” released during the ongoing renovations of the temporarily defunct eating club Cloister Inn. In years past, Cloister was known to host the first eating club event of the academic year open to first-years, gaining the name “Moist Cloist” given its tradition of treating said first-years to a golden shower of “beer.” When questioned about the source of the liquid, Cloister General Manager Maximillian Abbot denied that that source was Cloister. “Girl, that’s piss from a sewer. Be real.”