Drink Away Your Problems

By Danielle Jenkins '23 and Amanda Vera '22

Feeling Lonely? Drink a nice warm glass of water from lake carnegie. The microbes will keep you company on their way down and once the infection sets in the nurses at PMC will not leave you alone for more than 12 minutes. Don’t forget to snuggle up in your favorite blanket to give the protozoa the best conditions for growth! Feeling like Life is Lacking Excitement? A few times a year the stars, moon, and temperature align to create the icicle. A natural wonder. Lick an icicle whenever life is getting dull to relive the childhood excitement of seeing a cold, pointy object and wondering if it would work as a weapon Feeling Lost? This doesn’t feel like the life you planned, does it? This isn’t the path that your parents set for you when they sent you away to US News #1 School. I can understand that you feel that way, (however, I don’t). To recenter yourself and get back on the path to relative success that you planned years ago, I suggest drinking bong water. Not only is it hydrating but it is also fragrant. Let the smell remind you to focus because if you feel lost again you’ll have to drink more bong water :) Feeling H*rny? Drink the soy milk left over from eating plain corn flakes. Not only will it feminize you with estrogen adjacent hormones but you will be imbued with the puritanical life mission of John Kellogg. Eat some Graham crackers while you’re at it. Feeling Like your Grades are Bad? You’ve heard it all...study more...get more sleep...work in a group...get study partners. All of it takes too much effort over too much time. My solution involves a few sultry hours and perhaps a few risky emails to get things started. If your academics are falling behind, the most effective way to get your grades is to have an unexpected and passionate one night stand with your TA. You’ll stay to ask a question after class and inquire, “what are you doing after this?”. Maybe, it’s a night class. Maybe, you’ll share your late meal swipe but oh wait. It’s raining and your TA doesn’t have an umbrella. Your room is close enough near Frist, you can get them your extra umbrella. You walk together, sheltering from the rain. Your arms brush. “Sorry”. “It’s ok”. “Haha”. You enter your dorm. These buildings don’t have lobbies. “I’m on the second floor”. You get to your room. “I know this umbrella is somewhere!” It’s on the floor, equidistant from both of you. You both bend down to get it. Your heads knock together. “Sorry” you say in unison. Your eyes lock. It’s impossible to know how long you stared into each other before you kissed. Softly then rhythmically. Bodies became one. Undergrad and slightly older undergrad united; physically and mentally. They go home around 1am. It has stopped raining. You are left with the taste of them in your mouth. You have drank what needed to be drunk. Your GPA will thank you. Feeling Out of Place? If you ever feel like you don’t belong here, at the US News and World Report #1 School, you’re probably just dehydrated. Drink some water, you’ll probably feel better in like 20 minutes. If not, take an advil and nap. DJ '23, AV '22