Curtis Sliwa Shot Five Times in the Back of a TigerTransit Bus

By Geoff Liu '29

Catastrophe struck on Friday when Curtis Sliwa, the Republican candidate for the 2025 New York City Mayoral Election, was shot five times in the back of a TigerTransit Bus during his visit to Princeton campus. The beret-touting New York native was reportedly on his way to Terrace F. Club to pick up some zaza for his Crohn’s disease when a mafia vigilante exercised retribution against Sliwa for unexplained deeds from his youth. Sources claim that Mr. Sliwa’s assistant advised him to take TigerTransit, even though he wished to take a yellow cab, due to safety concerns connected to Mr. Sliwa’s past. Despite having sustained severe injuries to his clavicle and ribcage, Mr. Sliwa appeared to be unfazed, and walked onto the stage of his own event to the tune of “Don’t Let Me Down” by the Chainsmokers. “Don’t be glazin’ me now,” Mr. Sliwa requested of the crowd, who had welcomed him with rapturous applause. When asked about the visible bullet holes in his backside and how he was still functioning in spite of them, Mr. Sliwa responded: “I was arrested 80 times and got beaten over the shoulder with a bat 38 times by some chaps on Abbey Road. A bullet or two is hardly gonna stop me from kickin’. I got a wife to go home to.” When asked if he had a final message for Princeton students, Mr. Sliwa reiterated that “we’re all yooman beings, whether you’re a Cuomosexual or a Zohranista, whether you like your bagel with cream cheese or eggs and jalapenos, even though I can’t have jalapenos because I have Crohn’s disease, whether you’re white, Italian, or something else.”