Awful Things I Heard in a Starbucks
Theater kid in the booth behind me: “I collect voice parts like Pokemon cards.”Guy leaving the store: “I’m not a big coffee guy, I just like their restrooms —…
Dear Class of 2026: See You in Hell
Dear Class of 2026, I hope this message finds you well. Haha, just kidding — I stopped believing in hope a long, long time ago. Anyways, I wanted to…
Princeton Builds Destruction
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced on Monday that, to make room for an entirely new design, the entirety of Princeton’s campus will be redacted. “When we started hurling our…
Dear Princeton community,
I am writing here today to express the story of my life and the changes needed to make for a healthier environment for all that live on the Princeton…
New Romantic Orientation Day Added
By popular demand, Princeton has added an entire day to the class of 2026’s freshman orientation on romantic do’s and don’ts at the University. Tips shared with the frosh…
FROSH Bucket List
1. Pick a fight with roommates in the quad group chat before you move in. 2. Get McCoshed or rushed to Penn Med during Frosh Week. 3. Throw an…
Dear fellow Ponspiracists (Princeton conspiracy theorists)
Many of us have been looking past a truth that stares us in the face. It stares at us as we walk across campus in the morning and the…
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EVERY FRESHMAN Everyone You Know Went to the Most Lit and Off the Chain Freshman Orientation Dorm Party Last Night
Last night, every single person you met during Freshman orientation flocked to Room 112 of Little Hall for the (gathering 2 x??) gathering of the ages. What started as…
Bottom Shelf, Top Quality
*Must be 21 or older to read. Do you know how hard it is to get drunk off eating club beer? First of all it tastes like water ……
Netflix and Chill Advice
Hello new Princeton frosh, Many of you have entered the Princeton community with “valedictorian” as your surname. Even if not, you were still amongst the smartest students in your…
PRINCETON+
The following is sponsored content from Princeton University. Hello Princeton! As our budget continues to be squeezed by inflation, the new construction, and our inability to find anyone to…
Can’t be Contained (we’re too lazy to categorize)
TIGER Magazine Reunion this Saturday, May 21
We will be back to having our annual Tiger Magazine brunch on Saturday 5/21 from 11:00-1:00 at 48 University Place, all the way upstairs in the Tiger orifice on the 4th floor. (In true Tiger tradition, notification did not happen in time to get…
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Oh, The Tragic Misfortune of Being a Well-Meaning Butler
My name is Robert Bernard. Like my father, and the 5 generations preceding him, I am a butler. For centuries, the Bernards have served the appetizers and poured the wine of our affluent employers with all the care in the world, never desiring anything…
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Untitled Potato Novel
for Veronica Geng. “I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country.” —Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My Lovely “Potato I have.” —James Joyce, Ulysses It was one of those…
Centrist Pilot Torn Between Landing Plane Safely or Crashing, Killing Everyone Onboard
Pilot Johnathan Goodman, who sits dead center on the political alignment chart, is unable to decide whether to land his upcoming flight safely or maneuver the plane straight into the Pacific Ocean, likely resulting in the death of everyone on-board. “There are good arguments…
Tragedy: Oldest Man in the World Has a Mommy Fetish
Charles Earnest Fitzpatrick, a resident of Lawrenceville, New Jersey, is on a quest for love. His dream woman is tall, self-confident, and caring, and, ideally, a few years older than him There’s only one problem: he’s the oldest man in the world. Miraculously, his 21st…
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Country out of Orange Paper, University Scrambling
In an urgent press release last Friday, the White House announced that, due to the trade war with China, the nation would soon be completely out of orange dye. “This includes paper dye, ink, fabric dyes, and the dyes used in coloring balloons,” the…
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Eisgruber Found Developing Clone Army in Princeton Steam Tunnels
Fed up with the “weak students at this fraud of an institution,” President of Princeton University Chris Eisgruber declared he would be creating a clone army to replace the “sheeple” that make up the student body earlier today. “No more of this ‘I want…
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Princeton: A Day In the Life
What’s up Class of 2023? We know you’re all excited to enter the Orange Bubble and begin your new lives as Princeton students. Obviously, you’ve got a lot to learn, so we’ve put together a little schedule to show what the average school day…