School’s back in session. Time to wipe off that intern-sweat and shiv your boredom with the cool dagger of excessive drinking. As you delve back into the world of college parties, as the vineyard vines and tanktops are pulled off the coatracks, as RCA condom bags are drained dry in heart-pounding 2 AM heists, readjustment may seem daunting. Some of you will be hosting your first dorm party this year. Some, more experienced socialites, may even be throwing that ‘Schindler’s Lust’ costume party you’ve been dreaming about since Freshman Fall. Whoever you are, Tiger’s here with a list of do’s and don’ts that’s sure to make your next soiree the talk of every textserve.
DON’T: Throw that “Schindler’s Lust” costume party you’ve been dreaming about since Freshman Fall.
DO: Hold your dorm party in a dormitory. Parties cannot be considered dorm parties if they are held in other venues like eating clubs, academic buildings, or on the sidewalk outside Cheeburger Cheeburger as Steve pukes his goddamn brains out because he tried to do the Pounder challenge at the Chi Phi initiation dinner.
DON’T: Wait for when passes begin to be discussed to pull a pile out of your pocket, fan them out in front of your face and scream the lyrics to Sean Kingston’s “Take You There.”
DO: Climb on top of your desk and make it rain Tower passes while screaming the lyrics to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club,” fall off of the desk and get sent to PMC at 9:30.
DO: Carefully review the guidelines for serving alcohol in dormitory rooms as outlined in Rights, Rules, & Responsibilities, making sure to register your event with the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students by 3 pm more than three business days ahead of the event, so President Eisgruber personally comes to your room to point and laugh at you and the three other people fire code legally allows into your room.
DON’T: Use Illy Macchiatos as a substitute for Red Bull and pretend it’s a classy move. The next thing you know, your pants will be missing, and you’ll be on the phone with Spotify tech support asking how the hell Janine got ahold of your Evanescence playlist, it was supposed to be private.
DON’T: Go around challenging people to twerking contests. You’ll just embarrass them. Everyone knows this is your town.
DON’T: Throw a Great Gatsby party. This one isn’t a joke. Just don’t fucking do it.
DO: Throw a The Metamorphosis party. Everyone dresses up in fun insect costumes. Then, at 11:30, instead of going to the Street, commit suicide alone and cold, drowning in self-loathing.
DON’T: HAVE MUCH TIME. Listen closely to what I am about to say. I am you from 50 years in the future. And, though you may not realize it now, the very fate of the human race rests in your hands. Halfway through the school year, you will attend a dorm party. For the love of all the soldiers I lost to the machines, you cannot under any circumstances, make out with—- Transmission Redacted by the Machine Chrono-Council, violation of Chrono-Code 24.12, Attempted Reversal of the Singularity War.
DO: Craft a mask of Christopher Eisgruber’s face out of lamb skin, to wear when answering the door to snooping RCA’s.
DON’T: Forget to use the Master Ball on any St. A’s member that appears at your party. They are rare and will trade for up to five uncommons.
DON’T: Stand in front of the fridge wearing Wayfarers, asking everyone who wants to open it if they’re “prepared to be judged by a jury of their beers.”
DO: Ask everyone what their major is. If they reply ORFE or Econ, look them straight in the eye, get an inch from their face and shriek “MORE LIKE GOLDMAN NUTSACKS!” Demand that they leave, and as you weep alone in your bed later, whisper into the pillow, “more like a jury of my tears.”
DO: Amp up the sexual atmosphere with fun party games like Kings or 21, or by tearing off your shirt and revealing the letters UCC shaved into your chest hair.
— CJS ’16 & Staff. Illustrated by AZ ’16.
