Someone knocked on my door the other day, and asked me if I would give them money to inspire their walking around in a circle. Understandably, I told him to fellatiate a goat. Why should I pay him money when he just walked all the way here for free?
Don’t get me wrong; I hate cancer. But this was ridiculous. Stop walking for the cure, jogging for the antidote, or running for the vaccine. Stop jumping rope for Habitat. Stop using cheap gimmicks to justify your fundraising. Your walking is not what is making me reach for my wallet; cancer is the reason I give you cash, followed by my insatiable desire to remove you from my life, you guilt-tripping bitch.
Not to burst your little bubble, but it seems to me that you are letting cancer do all the heavy lifting with respect to fundraising while you yourselves do the bare minimum when it comes to event planning. Your walking is not curing cancer. My money is curing cancer. Cancer is doing more to fight cancer than you are. Your opponent in this fight is doing more to kick its own ass than you ever could. You are worse than cancer.
Why don’t you do something that makes me give more money to a good cause, without diminishing the cause itself? Quite frankly, I lose that warm fuzzy feeling when I realize that I AM GIVING MONEY FOR FUCKING WALKING! What next, throwing quarters at pedestrians to improve the public schools? Selling cupcakes is the right idea, but it really falls short of the possibilities when it comes to raising money. Do you want to know what would accomplish more than walking could possibly ever do for cancer? Naked hot chicks, covered in honey, rolling around in a pool full of cash, for the cure. $10 lap-dances, for Habitat. Lowest common denominator for a good cause. Would you do that to find a cure? You wouldn’t?! Cancer lover. Combine the basest form of entertainment with moral justification and you’ve got yourself a winner, chief. Isn’t it time that cancer did something good for a change? Most people are like me. I feel awkward paying a girl to sensually grind herself into my lap, but for cancer, I would sprint for the ATM. Wouldn’t it be better if instead of fighting cancer, we harnessed its power for good?
