With Dean Malkiel leaving Princeton, our great university has to find someone to fill that gap. What we need in our next Dean is someone with name recognition, strong moral fiber, and no history of murder: we don’t want a serial killer! That’s why I recommend that we look for a candidate high in fiber (some of it has to be moral), and go with a cereal mascot. The following are a few highlights of some of the leading candidates’ applications:
Cap’n Crunch: Wants to use his Cannon to get rid of his archrival, Cap’n Gown
Tony the Tiger: Will act as both dean and school mascot. Also, will eat students who violate the honor code.
Lucky the Leprechaun: Wants to add marshmallows to the gorp for OA and to cap the number of M&Ms in gorp at 35%.
Toucan Sam: Would abolish all campus maps, citing his classic adage “Follow your nose, it always knows.”
Trix Rabbit: Wants to end all forms of species discrimination on campus; will add a Non-human center to the 2nd floor of Frist. Trix aren’t just for kids!
Franken Berry: Wants Princeton to add a medical school so that they can fix whatever the hell is wrong with him.
Sunny the Cuckoo Bird: Vows that if he gets this job, he’ll finally lay off the Cocoa Puffs for good.
-Matthew Solis ’14
Photo: Ed Kelley ’13
