From the Tiger archives (1992 – 1993):
On Sunday, September 13th, unsuspecting undergraduates and faculty members filed into the University Chapel for Opening Exercises. Anxiously expecting to be roused from its pre-academic year doldrums by President Shapiro’s electrifying annual address, the audience was stunned when the address was delivered by Dean Raboteau of the Graduate School. Where was Hal? An audible, uneasy murmur swept through the crowd, followed by an eerie silence. What had become of our leader?
In search of:
President Shapiro
Trenton, NJ, 12 September 1992, 11:35 pm: A person matching the description of Harold Shapiro is seen stepping into a round, hovercraft-looking vehicle outside an all-night liquor store in Chambersburg. According to eyewitnesses, the vehicle then crossed the street to a gas station before flying away into the night sky, apparently headed for Jupiter’s third moon. The proprietor of the liquor store said Hal seemed “distraught.” Police are skeptical of this sighting, although it would explain Hal’s absence at Opening Exercises the following day.
Trailer Park, UT, 30 September 1992, 8:56 am: Housewife Nadine Reynolds faints and collapses onto her kitchen floor after seeing the image of Hal Shapiro’s face in the mold on the refrigerator. A psychic is called in for consultation, but can only detect the strong presence of an economics professor, not necessarily Hal himself. The investigation ends when a priest examines the scene and determines the image to be merely the Virgin Mary.
Atlanta, GA, 5 October 1992: In the third inning of game one of the National League Championship Series, a man believed by some to be Hal is sent into the game to pinch-run by Braves manager Bobby Cox. FBI agents rush onto the field and seize the man, but when the dust clears, it turns out to be merely back-up shortstop Rafael Belliard.
Rocky Hill, NJ, 10 October 1992, 2:12 am: A group of Princeton freshmen are out in a pasture, enjoying an average Saturday night of tipping over sleeping cows. Suddenly, there appears before the three students a giant, black, wined creature of vigilante justice. The caped crusader restores the hapless cows to their former, upright posture then detains the freshmen with a 45-minute lecture about the advantages of Princeton’s preceptorial system, before disappearing into the night.
Palo Alto, CA, 14 October 1992: During the deposition for the trial of former-Princeton-student-imposter James Hogue, the cellmate of Hogue claims that in his sleep, Hogue confessed to being Hal Shapiro. Lawyers immediately race to Hogue’s cell, only to find that the mysterious inmate had tunneled through one of the walls and escaped.
Memphis, TN, 18 October 1992: A tour group in Graceland Cemetery reports seeing vehicle hovering over the tomb of Elvis Presley. According to some members of the group, Mr. Presley then emerged from his grave, climbed into the passenger seat, and received a beer from the driver, Hal. The two then flew off in a southeasterly direction, arguing over the merits of a four-year residential college system.
Trailer Park, UT, 20 October 1992: In a bizarre turn of events that defies explanation, the mold on Mrs. Reynold’s refrigerator forms in the image of Atlanta Braves shortstop Rafael Belliard.
Houston, TX, 22 October 1992, 12:48 am: NASA radio telescopes receive a distant, garbled transmission from deep space. At first, scientists believe the pulsating frequency to be the theme song from the TV series Batman. A breakaway group of researchers asserts that the song is, in fact, Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog. After hours of analyzing the tape reel, however, all agree that the transmission is actually a discussion of the merits of the keg-ban.
Princeton, NJ, 23 October 1992, 8:10 pm: America’s Most Wanted runs a special episode on the missing President. Sitting on his couch at home, enjoying a plate of nachos, Hal recognizes his picture on TV. Thinking quickly, he dials the number on the screen, turns himself in, and collects thousands of dollars in reward money.
