Q: So how do I go about joining a club?
A: Good question. We recommend starting by attending the Activities Fair in the fall. As you will soon discover, Princeton is an institution characterized by tradition and dignity. To join a club, you must either duel (with the weapon of your choosing) or Turkish oil wrestle (BYOO—Bring Your Own Oil) all of the club’s upperclassmen ranked by ascending GPA.
Q: Okay, so how do I really go about joining a club?
A: If for some reason you do not wish to publicly duel and/or Turkish oil wrestle the club’s upperclassmen at the Activities Fair in full view of the classmates who will become your closest companions of the next four years, we understand. You may, of course, select a proxy- or as we call it at Princeton, a prox- to duel and/or Turkish oil wrestle in your stead.
Q: What if I don’t have a proxy?
A: If your personal attendant or bodyguard is not able to step in as your proxy, we recommend generously tipping your chauffeur to proxy for your proxy. Double proxying—how clever! No wonder you are here at Princeton.
Q: What are some good strategies to keep in mind?
A: Successful strategies in the past have included ritual disembowelment, bludgeoning followed by ruthless methodical defenestration, and the Pool Noodle Challenge, which one particularly enterprising student used to subsequently defeat four dance groups, two acapella groups and a particularly bloodthirsty Model United Nations team. That same student went on to major in applied mathematics, revolutionize the field of quantum mechanics, and win a Nobel Peace Prize. She was recently canonized as a saint.
Q: What happens if I can’t attend the Fair and don’t have a proxy?
A: Oh, well, then you fight the bear. Don’t worry, it’s a very old and distinguished bear. If you’re lucky, he’ll have already fought several others and you will be able to subdue him easily. The upperclassmen you would have fought will surround the ring and pelt you with a combination of stone, fruits and seasonal vegetables. Later, they will judge you on a combination of factors, including a) performance, b) style, and c) how well you networked during the fight. Don’t worry about it, it’s all very relaxing and casual. Remember, don’t be afraid to try something new, just be yourself and have fun!
Q: Is the bear real?
A: Of course. A significant portion of Princeton’s hefty endowment is specifically earmarked (bearmarked?) for bear maintenance. Money is very well-managed here.
Q: Do these rules also apply to eating clubs?
A: Bless your pure untainted heart, my sweet summer child.
Q: Is this some kind of elaborate joke?
A: We assure you, Princeton is a storied university with a rich history and this is a very serious publication.
– JJ ’17
