Hello new Princeton frosh,
Many of you have entered the Princeton community with “valedictorian” as your surname. Even if not, you were still amongst the smartest students in your high school, and with this comes the inevitable loss of many of the defining features of your social life, including the practice of “Netflix and Chill”, popularized amongst today’s youth. I will be illustrating the steps that will make for the proper practice of “Netflix and Chill” amongst all the valedictorians, salutatorians, etc. that populate this freshman class.
1. Attract a potential candidate for love into your room. Since many of you have never invited a person of interest to your room or even talked to one, you will first have to approach them. This can happen in many ways, but a slight turkey call may get them to look at you. GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE. Proceed to inform them of any variety of turkey facts you may know. Then comes the most crucial part, asking for their phone number. Let them know you will be using it frequently and plan to send them the turkey noise voice memos they so desperately need. Once the phone number is acquired, text them non-stop. Give them no breaks. Double text. Triple text. Make sure you never leave their mind, and only then do you invite them to watch a movie in your room. Make sure to do so at questionable hours, which is most precisely the morning hours between 5:00 AM and 7:00 AM.
2. Prepare your room for the guest or guests if you are polyamorous (We are inclusive but I doubt there will be more than one prey on your mind.) Since many of you will be in quads, make sure all of your roommates are in the room. Make sure their presence is felt and smelled. Let tlie dirty laundry scent fill the room. If you are so ostracized as to live alone, invite everyone you know to the room and steal some garbage like a rabid raccoon to make the other person feel as uncomfortable as possible. At this point there should be no way the person can be even comfortable existing in the common room and you will have to migrate
3. Welcome them into the bedroom. Open the door and then proceed not to talk. If your guest asks you a question, make sure to look at them with an unreadable expression and then proceed to move chaotically about the room. You should look aimless. Then all of a sudden fall upon your bed face forward. Your guest will think something is wrong with you and when they come to check on you, jump up and creepily smile. Something Joker-like would be appropriate. Your guest will want to leave at this point, so open your computer and start the movie. Position yourself on the bed, and when your guest asks to join them tell them no and proceed to inform them that the floor is available.
4. The movie has begun and it is now your time to maintain as much distance as possible. You should be trying to imitate the Grand Canyon with the space between the two of you. Your roommates/other guests need to be able to walk through this space providing a welcome distraction every minute or so. Focus all your attention on the movie, never on your guest. They will want to watch the movie in full, especially if you invited them over for a “Netflix and Chill”. If the other person decides to talk, make no acknowledgement of their comments. The movie is of utmost importance.
a. If the other person comes close to you, and gasp if they move to hug or double gasp kiss you. Start making the most annoying noise you can and flail like you are getting electricuted.
5. The movie has finished and now you must bid your guest ado. Once the credits start rolling, usher your guest out. Make conversation with your roommates/other guests as you push your person of interest out the door. No comments should be made on how your experience was or if the movie was entertaining. There shall be no physical embrace at the end of the night.
6. After they leave, do not text them. Allow them to admit their undeniable feelings for you and set a wedding date. This should only be done through a phone call by them to your parents, expressing their desire to see you again. You will then respond to their parents with the marriage proposal. This is how you accomplish a legendary “Netflix and Chill” that others in your peer group could never imagine accomplishing. Remember you are the brightest young minds of the world and that should be abundantly clear in your newly-found love life.
Sincerely,
A Netflix and Chill aficionado
ALEXANDRA ROBERTS ’25
Illustrated by DANIELLE JENKINS ’23
