*Must be 21 or older to read.
Do you know how hard it is to get drunk off eating club beer? First of all it tastes like water … if it came from Lake Carnegie … and went through corroded pipes … and then got left in the sun for 4 weeks. Plus it has the alcohol content of fermented water, or at least it feels like it. But you know what, despite destroying your ability to wait for long-term gratification, Tiktok does have some pretty cool tips. Here’s one of my favorites, to all my weekend liver-destroyers, this one’s for you.
Step I. Get your ID that says 21 years old (real) and head on down to your favorite liquor store in town.
Step 2. Go to the back. Daddy’s money was enough to support your college essay “service” trips to wherever but you know it won’t be enough to support both your alcoholism and vape addiction.
Step 3. Grab the liquor of your choosing (clear if you live in substance-free, you’ll see why later). The gag is, you’re gonna choose the cheapest, nastiest, bottled-in-someone’s-garage-looking, orange-clearance-tag liter-and-a-half plastic bottle.
Step 4. Once you get to your room, empty the water out of your Brita®. Do not drink it, you’ll want to be dehydrated. It’s preferable you use your own Brita® but if you gotta use your roommate’s … well, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Step 5. You’re gonna pour your bottom-shelf, throat-burning, eye-watering, hole-tingling liquor into the Brita®.
Step 6. Pour the extract back into the OG bottle. Repeat filtration 4 more times.
*Optional, but highly encouraged*
Step 7. On a Thursday night, head on over to the slums and wander around for a bit. We wanna look bougie so you’re going to rifle through the trash until you find a bottle of the expensive version of whatever liquor you bought.
Step 8. Wash it and keep your five-time filtered ale in it.
Step 9. Trick your friends into thinking you’re cool enough to be buying Grey Goose as an 18 21 year old. Then laugh at everyone that’s actually buying Grey Goose. Also maybe wash your roommate’s Brita®, you don’t really want to start your day with a large vodka soda, minus the bubbles, and the soda.
This message was sponsored by Brita®.
ANGEL KUO ’24
