Charles Earnest Fitzpatrick, a resident of Lawrenceville, New Jersey, is on a quest for love. His dream woman is tall, self-confident, and caring, and, ideally, a few years older than him There’s only one problem: he’s the oldest man in the world. Miraculously, his 21st digit is still functional, so that’s a non-issue. To quote the wrinkly gentleman himself, the trouble is “an unbreakable attraction to older women.”
Asked when his taboo sexual preference surfaced, Fitzpatrick was quick to respond, “When I was but a slip of a boy, I had the privilege of seeing Ziegfeld’s Follies on good old Broadway. Madame Annette Kellerman was the featured performer, and she held me on her lap like a babe during the show. ” The quote that followed was so obscene, even TigerMag elected to censor it.
Somehow, all Fitzpatrick’s myriad partners “were real into that good kinky stuff.” He fondly remembers his most recent girlfriend, Sandra Over forty years ago, when Fitzpatrick was eighty, Sandra was his one hundred and two year old ‘mommy dom’. “Adult diapers are just another level of roleplay when you have a mother kink,” Mr. Fitzpatrick declared, adding “And the fact that she’d already gone through menopause was exceptionally sensual.” May Sandra rest in peace. Yet his current stage of life makes living the sexual fantasy increasing difficult. “It’s just no fun calling a bedfellow ‘Mama’ when she’s old enough to be your daughter, ya know?” Fitzpatrick sighed in mourning.
When we inquired on the secret to longevity, Mr. Fitzpatrick replied that a burning hate for the state of New Jersey (where he’s lived all his life) gets him out of the retirement home bed each morning. Although his sexual preferences make dating difficult, Fitzpatrick remains optimistic for the future. “I’ve lived a damn good life,” he declared with pride. “When I go to heaven, I’m sure God will have a couple of one-hundred-forty-year-old angels waiting up there for me.” In the meantime, he’s smoking two packs a day to “hurry things up.”
AK ’23
