Fed up with the “weak students at this fraud of an institution,” President of Princeton University Chris Eisgruber declared he would be creating a clone army to replace the “sheeple” that make up the student body earlier today. “No more of this ‘I want a business internship over the summer’ or ‘I’m an intellectually curious student who just wants to explore what Princeton has to offer.’ Now, everyone will study physics, as they are meant to do.” Eisgruber gave his speech flanked by ten clones of himself, each covered in war paint, holding a makeshift spear.
University professors have speculated as to how Eisgruber is able to control so many versions of himself. “The leading theory” one professor wrote to The Tiger, “is that he has some sort of ‘hive mind’ function over them, which means he has total control over thousands, possibly millions of clones. What really terrifies us is the possible emergent properties they could possess, meaning that if they swarm together, we very well could be facing one school-sized Eisgruber.” The Professor, who requested to remain anonymous, threw their loyalties in with the Eis-army, stating “I think it might be fun to just teach to hundreds of Eisgrubers. It’s not like I see the guy that often either.”
The story became public after P-safe’s discovery of the Gruber colony in a series of underground tunnels, feeding off the dining hall compost chutes.The number of clones was astronomical, and P-safe noted that the Eisgruber clones eating from the Butler-Wilson food chute were “horrifically more depressed” than those eating from every other hole. “We’re still not really sure why he’s doing this” reported a P-safe officer when asked about the subject. “With the money the school has he could just hire a small army to wipe out the frosh in no time. He could even just give it another few weeks for when they get their first grades back and completely break down.” Your correspondent headed down to the steam tunnels to investigate the matter further but was firmly rebuffed entrance by two loin-clad garbed Presidents who chanted “Stand Out of Our Light” until he was forced to ascend back out from the Terrace club toilet.
EM ’23
Art by IK ’23
