In an urgent press release last Friday, the White House announced that, due to the trade war with China, the nation would soon be completely out of orange dye. “This includes paper dye, ink, fabric dyes, and the dyes used in coloring balloons,” the release said. “We encourage consumers across the nation to begin rationing and conserving any orange materials you have left. If you tend to print an above-average amount of orange posters, be warned. This could be devastating.”
In an effort to delay the effects of the shortage, university administration immediately began calling up connections at schools around the country, reportedly offering to trade professors, lab equipment, and even members of the famous, undefeated football team with other schools, just for a week’s supply of orange materials. Sources heard that the University of Texas offered flags and balloons in exchange for the rights to our quarterback, but that even despite the player’s sobbing pleads to “please, please, dear god, take [him] to a state school where he would at last be valued,” an institution of Princeton’s stature would never stoop to the use of “burnt orange.”
Within hours, the community stepped up to show support for the loved establishment. Princeton’s trusted alumni network banded together, parting with their treasured 25th reunion jackets so the Sociology department’s intramural frisbee team could reuse the material for their practice jerseys. Student activism groups set up donation bins around campus, encouraging their classmates to donate half-used highlighters for Campus Club to post signs saying “go downstairs” in their typical orange writing. Schoolchildren from the surrounding neighborhoods took construction paper drawings off their fridges against the wishes of their sentimental parents, and brought them to campus so that “Wet Paint” signs would not have to be hung on plain white pages.
The Woodrow Wilson School has reportedly sent a delegation to China in an effort to end the trade war once and for all. “I’m just happy to finally use everything I’ve learned to do some real good in the world,” said delegate Sarah Jacobs, ‘23, an enthusiastic member of her policy-themed freshman seminar.
In a time of such sudden, immense, and overwhelming struggle, it is inspiring to see the determination and passion within this community. When this is all over, we will surely look back on this week with appreciation for the feeling of kinship we maintained through what will surely be known as one of the most stressful times in this nation’s history. In the meantime, we can rely on the heroes in our midst – out of pure benevolence, the football team has committed to donating $10,000 towards the cause for each person who comes to their game this Saturday.
LS ’23
