Maybe the monotony of your college routine has been leaving you unexcited. Maybe you’re sick of your friends saying they don’t want to come to your room because your dominatrix Judge Judy poster “makes them uncomfortable.” The point is, you’re ready for a change – so here are five new ideas to achieve sexual climax this upcoming school year.
A Wawa Trip in the Crux of Winter
It’s Mid-January. Dean’s Date’s tomorrow. You’re working hard and it’s getting into the late hours of the night. It’s been 7 minutes since you last had a break and your atrophied body yearns for nutrients. You might think “I have snacks in my room, there’s no need to face the brutal winter in a coat that betrays me time and again.” But you will be rewarded if you do (also, you’re cheap and should buy a new coat.) Upon your return from your valiant trek to the Wa, you’ll find that escaping the grip of the northern winds can really get you going. Well buddy – you and everyone else. Stick around in your building’s lobby and you might encounter a fellow traveler discovering the erotic embrace of shelter at last. But to be clear, the sexual excitement is probably just feeling returning to your nads.
Marquand Art Library
If you must spend any time in this echoey graveyard of art historian dreams, I have a tip for when your survival instincts self-combust! I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re into sexual asphyxiation, because I get that vibe from your personality. The racks of books in Marquand are all rolling hand crank shelving, which means you have ultimate power to optimize the claustrophobia for your pleasure. Think climate control, but like, super hot. The best part is, its über safe, so no one will ever have to tell your mom you died 3 seconds before busting a nut. You know, it’s almost as if Sir Marquand himself wanted you to boink in his space. I mean don’t, obviously – that’s gross. But it’s what he would’ve wanted.
The Freaky Zodiac Heads
For a quick fix, walk out alone at 4:00 A.M. and stand in the center of the zodiac animal heads next to New South. Stare into the eyes of the head that best embodies distilled evil to you for 5 seconds and your own dauntlessness will turn you on. Mm. You’re so brave.
Read the News
I know – you’re right to be skeptical. But with a little focus, you can actually harness the profound agony you feel when reading about the moral decomposition of our society for some frisky fun! It’s a little known fact that when your body senses the arrival of the apocalypse and determines you to be unfit for surviving it, it grants you a mind-shattering orgasm out of pity and in anticipation of your imminent death. Again, I’m just gonna assume this would work for you based on your general aura. That said, use this sparingly: you don’t wanna boy-who-cried-wolf the only thing guaranteeing that when the Rapture hits, you’ll go out with a bang.
The Graduate Dining Hall
If you’ve got a little extra time, go for dinner at the graduate school dining hall, where you’ll be watched on all sides by portraits of ancient and powerful Princeton leadership. Trust me, Jeff. I’ve seen your heart. You’re a white man’s whore.
AV ’22
Illustrated by ZK ’21
