The Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into him the breath of life, and the man became a living being, and this man was Adam.
Then the Lord God looked at the man as he cried and masturbated in the Garden of Eden and said, “Clearly, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. But the man was not at all attracted to these creatures, and frankly found it weird that the Lord God had thought he might be, and so no suitable helper was found.
And so the Lord God felt a little defensive, and so He formed from the rib of the man a woman, and this woman was Eve.
And the man said,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
And the woman said,
“Excuse me?”
And the man said,
“What?”
And the woman said,
“Don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to name me?”
And the man said,
“Oh God.”
And the Lord God said,
“What?”
And the man, taken aback, said,
“Oh. I was just sort of exclaiming in a general sense.”
And the Lord God said,
“Oh.”
And all was silent in the Garden of Eden.
And the woman said,
“Would you mind giving us some privacy?”
And the Lord God said awkwardly,
“I totally wish I could, but I’m sort of omniscient.”
And the woman said,
“What does that mean?”
And the Lord God said,
“It means I see and know everything.”
And the man said under his breath,
“Oh, she’s gonna love that.”
And the woman said,
“EXCUSE ME?”
And the Lord God said,
“Oh man.”
And the man said,
“What?”
And the Lord God, taken aback, said,
“Oh. I was just sort of exclaiming in a general sense.”
And the man said,
“Oh.”
And all was silent in the Garden of Eden.
And the Lord God said,
“I think I’ll go make more birds or something.”
And the Lord God went to make more birds or something.
And Adam and Eve ate of the apple, and thus knew of sin, and thus had make-up sex.
And the Lord God watched, and it was Good.
– MH ’20
