We can all be self-critical about our bodies from time to time. In a world of Photoshop, sexy underwear adverts and svelte, long-limbed Italian greyhounds, it’s hard to accept the parts of you that don’t look perfect. Though I try to stay positive about my own image, I must admit that my mission of self-love has been thwarted over and over by extremely beautiful dogs. It seems that every time I get close to learning to embrace my body, I see one of these six gorgeous canines and my confidence is shattered yet again.
- Georgie the Dalmatian
Not only do Georgie’s doleful, kohl-lined eyes cut straight to the soul, but his slim runway neck gives him an elegant, ageless look. Unlike me, with my fat turkey neck and heroin addict eyes, Georgie looks like a Roman god who just woke up from a refreshing nap. He’s also arrogant as fuck.
- Trembles the Borzoi
Trembles has slender, shapely legs that go on for miles – legs that my disgusting garbage limbs will never be able to compete with. Forget swimsuit commercials, Trembles makes me feel bad about myself by merely prancing lithely down the street on his daily walks, his luscious locks flowing in the breeze.
- Sasha the Malamute
Sasha has more muscle than Hugh Jackman, and she flaunts when she knows I’m watching. How many times do I have to look out my window only to see her massive, chiseled body barreling after a squirrel in an obvious act of malice targeting my deep-seated body insecurities? I’ll never be as fit as her, or have that same beautiful bulk.
- Daisy the Doberman Pinscher
I would kill to have Daisy’s bone structure. Her cheekbones are sharp enough to slice bread, which makes my already round, chubby face look even more like a chipmunk having an allergic reaction. Daisy gets to wake up everyday with an angular, slender face and a perfect contour, while I have to try and live my life with a huge and unsightly sphere head.
- Biscuits the Corgi
Biscuits has the kind of curves that could seduce both man and beast. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve been trying to achieve that hourglass shape for years with no luck, I’d be swooning right alongside everyone else. Instead, I just break down into self-loathing tears every time I see him and his voluptuous bod.
- Jenna the Husky from Balto
I’m sorry, but Jenna from the 1995 movie Balto is just plain hot. There’s really no way to put this other than explicitly coming to terms with the fact that this animated dog is a goddamn temptress. Just look at her and that sexy, sultry pose and fashion model physique—there’s no way my body confidence can recover knowing this hot dog is out there.
