As admirable as we all find Cupid and his mission of matchmaking, I think it’s time I said what we’ve all been thinking: a bow and arrow is quite possibly the worst, most inefficient weapon he could use to spread love in the world. In order to keep up with the rapid advances of weapons technology in the modern love market, here’s a list of six weapons of mass affection that Cupid could use instead.
Glock 17 9mm
At the most basic level, Cupid should have a pistol. The Glock 17 is a pocket-sized gun perfect for concealed carry, which would allow the god of love to sneak up on any unsuspecting citizen and hit them with the love bug before they even know it!
Sentinel Arms Co-Striker-12
If Cupid wanted to improve his efficiency even more, a twelve-gauge shotgun with a revolving cylinder designed for riot control like the Sentinel would be the logical next step. Not only is it legal in the United States and easily accessible on Guns.com, but it would allow Cupid to make a dozen targets catch feelings with a single magazine. How convenient!
Type 4B AK-47
But why stop at a close-range weapon that even my grandmother could operate? If Cupid wants to spread the love with high precision and efficiency, he should invest in an AK-47. This cheap, accurate, military-grade weapon can hit the average adult from up to 300 meters away, and it carries the capacity to unload almost 400 rounds in the span of about two minutes. No more reloading—just instant romance!
MQ-8B Fire Scout
If Cupid really wants to take care of all the lonely singles of the world, he could upgrade to an “unmanned aerial vehicle,” more commonly known as a drone. With even a tactical-grade UAV, he could pepper an entire region with fiery affection from the comfort of his own home!
Neptunium-237 Nuclear Fission Missile
Why settle for thousands of people struck with love at a time when you can go for millions? By accumulating a nuclear stockpile the size of North Korea’s, Cupid would be able to create an explosion of romance capable of coveri
ng almost every city in America. Even better, the massive radius of fallout from this violent and horrifying event would make every day Valentine’s Day!
A Nail-Studded Baseball Bat
Honestly, I just think this would look really cool.
