In a huge step for gender equality, representatives from all the nations that participated in World War I have decided to fight the exact same war again, but with only female soldiers.
Following a conference in Geneva, the delegations of Britain, Germany, France, Belgium, Russia, The United States and the twenty-six other countries that took part in The Great War mutually affirmed their intention to redo every military engagement from the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand to the Armistice of 1918 using authentic period weaponry, live ammunition and exclusively female combatants.
According to Jakob Hofer of the Austro-Hungarian delegation, “Over nine million male soldiers died in World War I. We now realize that society will never be truly equal until an equivalent number of women are also killed in similarly pointless bloodshed.”
Said James Fleming, the leader of the British delegation, “For years, women have wanted to fight in World War I, and at long last their voices have been heard. With this new war, women will finally get the chance to be starved, shot, stabbed, blown up, gassed and killed in all manner of ways, just like their great-grandfathers did.”
Reportedly, women will be given the opportunity to experience the unrelenting and essentially meaningless slaughter of Verdun, Yipres, the Somme and other battles as expendable foot soldiers of mighty European empires. Some women will also get the chance to succumb to shell shock, lose toes to trenchfoot, and be executed by superiors for desertion.
Around the world, hundreds of thousands of women are already being pressed into military service. According to confidential sources, officials have also begun drawing up plans to recreate The Crimean War with only gay men.
-DLG ’18
