WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press release yesterday, NASA announced that the big day is finally here: intelligent, friendly extraterrestrial life forms are about to land on Earth. However, the exciting news was quickly spoiled by a devastating caveat: these highly-advanced aliens are utterly unfuckable.
“We’ve officially made contact with intelligent alien life for the first time in human history,” stated Dr. James Green, head of NASA’s Division of Astrobiology. “Negotiations have taken place, peaceful intentions have been confirmed, and they’re on their way down to walk and talk among us.”
After waiting for the reporters’ excited murmurings to die down, Green continued. “Sadly, I must admit to you all a significant drawback.” He then broke the shocking news—although this alien race has fantastic technologies that could solve nearly all our earthly woes, an alluringly exotic culture, and a telepathic language that can only be described as erotic, there is simply no possibility of having sex with our new galactic allies.
“Logistically, it’s just impossible,” said Green, his eyes cast down in visible shame. “We’ve run the numbers; we’ve done the tests—these aliens just can’t be fucked.”
The excitement that had been buzzing in the room moments before turned quickly to grumblings of disappointment, even anger. Insistence that non-sexual interactions with the aliens would be scientifically invaluable did little to soothe the crowd. “I know we were all looking forward to participating in some hot, mind-melding alien mating rituals, but it’s just not gonna happen this time around, guys,” said Green, struggling to regain control of the room.
The conference ended quickly as Dr. Green ducked out without answering questions, leaving the mass of reporters confused and indignant.
“Sure, humanoids with tentacle-hair and blue skin were the ideal we’d all hoped for, but we were willing to settle for big insects, or even some kind of amorphous but still penetrable blobs,” responded one attendee, wearing a shirt that read ALIENS LAND HERE above a downward-pointing arrow. “Any sort of fuckable alien would’ve done. But this—this is a tough blow. No one was expecting this.”
For now, it is uncertain whether good relations with the aliens can hold considering the upsetting circumstances.
-LH ’19
