President Trump has made quite a few changes to the White House to bring it up to his standards. Through our network of top secret connections, we here at the Tiger have managed to get a copy of the list that Melania made for the staff. Here’s what 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue changed to meet the needs of the Donald:
- Remove ethnic foods – hummus, oregano, Doritos, etc. – from kitchen facilities.
- Scrape off fruity woodwork from White House Elevator. Replace with shag carpet.
- Hide any and all pictures of or including Senator John McCain.
- Fill pool with thin broth of crocodile tears and the amniotic fluid from aborted fetuses – Mike says he drinks it twice a day “to absorb its power.”
- Update television package so that it includes Russian Premier League soccer.
- Install golden shower. I mean a shower made of gold. Like with golden taps and tiles, and three different speeds. Oh, and have it spray urine instead of water.
- Convert solar panels into lunar panels to show those religious nuts we have a spiritual side.
- Install locker room (for talking).
- Fire all gardeners. Replace with Rick Perry.
- Fire all bodyguards. Replace with Ben Carson.
- Burn all ottomans. Replace with Chris Christie.
- Restock presidential library with the two greatest written works – The Art of the Deal and the shooting screenplay to Alvin and the Chipmun
s 3: Chipwrecked. - I don’t know what a Vermeil Room is, but get rid of it.
- Raise price of tours from free to more than that.
- Order the movie theater to play only the historical drama White House Down. We need to learn from the mistakes we made in the past.
- Paint over that tacky white exterior with a good, old-fashioned gold.
- Set up two-way mirror in Ivanka’s bathroom.
- Smash all china in China Room.
- Rename China Room the America Room.
- Order official plaque that says America Room.
- Replace it with larger plaque that says America Room.
- Remove all but one chair from family dining room.
- Restock presidential golfing gloves, size XS.
- Clean the gutters.
-PS ’19
