In an unexpected turn of events, local roommate Keith Anderson declared that he had solved the dilemma of the characters in John Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi horror film, The Thing. In a press conference delivered Wednesday night in his suite’s common room shortly after viewing the movie for the first time, Anderson announced that he “would have totally survived” the desperate situation faced by the scientists of the movie’s remote Antarctic science base as a murderous, shape-shifting alien consumes them one by one.
“I would have just burned that fucking dog in the beginning” stated Anderson to his roommates, Jack Donehue and Isaac Marks, as they scrolled idly through spring course reviews and ate stale pretzels. “The dog was obviously the alien, so they should have just let the Norwegian dude kill it or else just set it on fire themselves. Otherwise, if I were Macready, I’d have just burned everyone on the base and blown up the whole thing right from the start.”
This is announcement marks the third movie dilemma Keith Anderson has flawlessly resolved in the past two weeks, closely following his deduction on Jurassic Park that “if I were the hunter dude, I would have just killed all the dinosaurs with that Spaz-12 shotgun right at the beginning. That would have been a way better movie anyway.” It also comes a mere ten days after his groundbreaking theory on Independence Day—namely that he “would have just found, like, a way bigger nuke, and then nuked the aliens, like, a bunch more times.”
Anderson already has plans to analyze the move Alien next week. . Although Keith has yet to see the movie, he is already fairly confident in his preliminary theory: “I haven’t seen it yet, so I don’t know for sure. But I think if I were Sigourney Weaver, I would have just shot the alien in the face a bunch of times with my space gun or blown it up with space grenades. I’m pretty sure that’s basically what happens in the movie anyway.”
— ASG ’18, Cover image by DRC ’16
