George Washington, the famously fastidious founding paternal figure, wrote down rules for etiquette still held sacred by many Americans. Less well-known but equally important are his Rules for Most Satisfactory Love-Making, presented below for the first time in over 200 years:
- Prior to thy love-making, wash thy sheets well, lest you and your lover contract typhus in the midst of the session.
- When the act has been completed, ask thy lover plainly whether he or she enjoyed the experience, seeking advice on how thy love-making can be made more efficient.
- Set a mood most romantick by hiring a fifer fresh from the ranks of the Continental Army to serenade you with patriotick songs.
- Political factions will be the death of the nation; therefore, speak not of politics whilst in bed, but rather of how best to farm the land.
- Be always quiet during thy love-making, gravely focused on the task at hand: increasing the population of the Republic.
- Drink never in excess, but especially not before you make love, lest thy cherry tree be most embarrassingly chopt.
- When having difficulties in love-making, one needs but only to think of the curvaceous wheatfields of the Republic and desire will expediently be restored.
- Do not take excessive time but make haste in your love-making, as over-indulgence in sensual pleasure is tantamount to Toryism.
- If one doth achieve climax, the moment should be marked by a hearty exclamation of “No taxation without representation!” Otherwise, be silent.
- Put not your hand on your lover’s bodice in public, lest you incite the citizenry of our fledgling nation to lust and destroy the great democratic experiment for which so many died.
- Put not your hand on any part of your lover at any other time – it is indecent and reflects poorly on our fledgling nation.
– SBW ’15
