U-BIKES
Why buy a cheap new bike at Target, when you can RENT a mediocre, rusty, orange bike from the Student Bike Agency for the same price? You can rest peacefully knowing that you paid $70 for something that was free just 2 years ago, so it has to be good, right? Plus, at the end of the year, you don’t have to worry about selling it or storing it, because it isn’t yours!
Picture Perfect Agency
Princeton’s student body has long been marked by a dearth of quality photographers. In a typical class, no more than four or five hundred students have expensive cameras or track records of near-professional-quality photography. This can make it difficult to find someone technologically-competant enough to take photographs at your performance or event. That’s where we come in! We’re the Picture Perfect agency! Pay us to do what a friend could easily do for free! Check our website for pictures of our friends that we got paid to take, or pictures we may have surrupticiously taken of you, which you can easily purchase! It’s like Facebook but costlier, and without tagging!
Dorm Furnishings Agency
MICROWAVES ARE DANGEROUS AND WILL LIGHT YOUR ROOM ON FIRE! Except for ours! For slightly less than the price of 3 fridges and 5 microwaves, you can rent a microwave bolted on top of a fridge! Beware of imposters trying to sell fridges for discount prices without microwaves bolted to them.
Treacherous heathens may tell you you can use a contraband microwave and hide it under a cardboard box. While this is 100% sure to work, you would be BREAKING THE LAW and YOUR ROOM WILL CATCH ON FIRE AND YOU WILL DIE. The only way to rest assured that you will not die in the middle of the night is to purchase (rent) an approved student agencies microfridge.
Laundry Agency
For just $5 more per week than FedEx-ing your dirty laundry home to your mother, you can have your laundry picked up from your door, professionally washed and dried by students who don’t give a shit, neatly crammed into a grey drawstring bag, and returned to you 4 or 5 days later. Some may balk at the price of over $40 per load, but really, how can you put a price on delaying self-sufficiency?
Water and Beverage Agency
Hundreds of thousands of people die worldwide every year as a result of drought. Don’t be one of them.
When Princeton experiences a drought, be prepared! And why spend over $100 on a new hot/cold water cooler, when the Water and Beverage Agency can bring one to your door, for rent, for only three times that price? And when the dry season comes and Princeton is without fresh water, rest assured that you can always purchase another jug for only $12.50. Water is an increasingly sparse resource in today’s world; Ensure your continued hydration when the sinks and water fountains of Princeton’s campus run dry by renting a $300+ water dispenser from the Water and Beverage Agency!
PRINCETON STUDENT AGENCIES – PRINCETON’S OFFICIALLY LICENSED PREDATORY PRIVILEGED MONOPOLY FOR OVER 130 YEARS
— MFG ’14. Illustrated by JS ’16.
