Jupiter, FL – A crowd quickly gathered at the home of Tiger Woods early Monday morning in preparation for an impromptu press conference regarding the American golfer’s recent find of his beloved lucky underwear.
Tiger wasted no time and jumped into his prepared statement. “Well, I had been looking for the underwear for about 2 years now, and I hadn’t been playing so hot for a while, but now I can finally go back to winning every tournament I enter.” Ever since Tiger announced his loss of the pair in question in October 2009, he has failed to win any major championships. “All that stuff about my knee, leg, and neck injuries was actually a load of crap. I just didn’t want to play in any tournaments without my lucky underwear. Nike threatened to break my kneecaps for real, though, so I played.”
One of Tiger Woods’ biggest sponsors, Nike, had nothing but positive words about Tiger’s discovery. “About time he found that damn underwear; we were actually starting to consider sponsoring a white golfer. Can you believe that? Hahahaha!” Sponsor Gatorade agreed, adding, “Whew!”
Meanwhile, golfers on the PGA tour today solemnly prepared for crushing defeat. Before throwing his golf clubs in a nearby garbage can, current world #1 Luke Donald stated, “It was fun while it lasted, but I guess I have to go back to my day job now.” World #2 Lee Westwood could not be reached for comment due to a coincidental overdose on sleeping pills suffered later in the day.
The underwear in question, a moderately-browned pair of generic brand tighty-whities, has considerable importance to Woods. He recounted the story, “I was at a Milli Vanilli concert in ’89 and I was just SO moved by the experience that I partially soiled myself. I couldn’t play without wearing them from then on.”
In response to questions regarding where he found the underwear, Tiger had more to say. “It’s actually a funny story. Some random waitress at a restaurant in LA called me last night and told me that she found them in her house. Crazy, right? How could they have ended up there?”
-ZG ’14
