Feeling depressed? Looking for new meaning in life? Easily manipulated? Want to give us all your possessions learn about asceticism and perform slave labor for us join an awesome commune? You should totally come to a College Undergraduates Looking for Themselves (CULT) meeting. We have meetings everyday from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “6 am to 11 pm? But I have classes then!” Don’t worry, that’s not a problem. Once you join CULT, you won’t care about your grades. What matters most is CULT—in fact, it is the only thing that matters. And if for some reason you cannot adjust to this, we can always have you lobotomized.
You’re now probably thinking, “All right, I guess I can spare the time to go to a few meetings, but just what will I get from joining CULT?”
We’re glad you asked. As a CULT member, you can look forward to the following benefits:
- cool robes
- glow in the dark underwear
- all the kool-aid you can drink
- coked-up orgies
- implantable tracking devices
- the spiritual guidance of our leader, the third reincarnation of F. Scott Fitzgerald
- 10% discounts at Hollister
- and of course, a guaranteed place in heaven after the lizard-people destroy Earth in their war against the mole-men
So what are you waiting for? Come to a CULT meeting! You don’t have forever!
(No, really, you don’t have forever. The world is going to end in 2012.)
-MES ’14
