The university’s recent announcement of the hiring of Darth Vader to a position in the physics department has caused quite a stir on campus. Members of the student organization TFA (Tigers for Alderaan) have protested the university’s decision saying, “This man is responsible for the destruction of an entire planet, yet he didn’t even bother to kill Jar Jar Binks! This must be some Jedi mind-trick.”
Vader isn’t just standing by idly as the accusations roll in. “You can say that I ‘destroyed planets’ and am a ‘megalomaniacal war monger’ who ‘enjoys killing the innocent,’” said Vader, “But I could also say that if you do not bow down to me I will kill everyone you know and love while forcing you to watch their painful deaths. So there’s that.”
Despite his controversial persona, Vader is well respected in the academic world, having received the Nobel Prize in physics for proving that Newton’s laws of motion also apply to the dark side of the force. He has also performed ground-breaking research in force-chokes, midichlorians, and sustainable farming techniques.
Next semester, Professor Vader will be teaching Physics 308 – Introduction to the Dark Side of the Force and Architecture 215 – How Not to Build a Death Star, as well as partnering with Professor Cornel West to teach a freshman seminar. His courses come highly recommended, and the number of students he’s allowed to kill is capped at 35%, so you’ll probably be safe.
–Matthew Solis ’14
