University Denies Application for Proposed Squirrel Hunting Club

The Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students announced yesterday that a petition to create the proposed Squirrel Hunting Club had been denied. The review, which lasted longer than two hours (but “felt like five,” according to insider sources), was allegedly “considerate,” and “gave the prospective club a fair chance.”

“There’s no way we got a fair chance,” said Joe Jenkins, an ardent supporter. “Look, all we want is a nice club where we can blow off some steam. Steam in the form of a whole lot of cute, chittering bushy-tailed rodents.  Is that so bad?”

The Dean of Undergraduate Students had this to say: “Seriously? Are we seriously still talking about this?”

Jenkins countered. “Squirrels,” he persisted, “…are nasty, vicious little bastards, who would turn in your mother for a lousy acorn.”

When pressed for details on what means the club would use to hunt the furry rodents, he replied “22’s mostly, but we wouldn’t rule out AR-15s.  We’d also like to employ semi-automatic shotguns. They have the best dispersal patterns to really splatter those little tree-huggers… It would make cleaning up after club events easier. We’re really into reducing the number of cleaning products we use. You know. For the environment.”

The Dean was unwilling to argue further. Jenkins reacted harshly to the Dean’s silence on the matter;  “Typical bullshit liberal pansy rulemongering.  If it was up to y’all, this country would be neck deep in rabid, socialism-loving squirrels. If Princeton students can’t even hunt squirrels with automatic weapons then Harvard… I mean, the terr’rsts have already won.”

– ES ‘14