David Fincher, the director of the recent hit movie The Social Network, issued an official apology last Wednesday for inadvertently encouraging the public to punch Harvard students in the face.
“I just didn’t realize Average Joes would see such a strong resemblance between the Mark Zuckerburg character in the film and their pretentious neighbor’s kid who goes to Harvard,” said the director.
Boston shipyard worker Ryan Callaghan, who spent the night in a Cambridge jail for battery of multiple local students, told police, “It just felt so right, you know? They’re total assholes and they’re going to make so much money off us anyway.”
Evelyn Hammonds, Dean of Harvard College, issued a press release in an effort to protect students. The press release, intended for public consumption, includes articles such as “What Harvard Students Actually Mean When They Say ‘You’d Understand If You Had Taken Justice,’” “Three Conspiracy Theories Explaining How Harvard Graduates Didn’t Engineer the Financial Crisis,” and “Stuff Harvard Students Have Given You, Besides Your Low Salary, Shitty Job, and Defunct Government.” Dean Hammonds did not announce any plans to teach students to defend themselves.
While leading intellectuals who did not go to Harvard agree this is not necessarily a bad thing, some worry that anti-Harvard violence might spread to non-Harvard students.
“I saw the man-of-a-lower-socioeconomic-standing-than-mine coming at me after the baseball game,” recalled Brown student Brandon M. Chao as he puffed on the joint of medicinal marijuana he has been prescribed for his black eye and hurt feelings. “I knew he was going to hit me. I kept screaming that I went to Brown, that I didn’t even get into Harvard. But he just kept punching me and punching me.” Similar incidences have been reported by students from the rest of the Ivy League, people from Hartford, Connecticut, and Jews.
Thus far, only Connecticut and New Jersey have remained immune to the growing movement. Experts attribute this peculiar phenomenon to the effects of local censorship laws, which replaced all scenes from The Social Network with fifteen minutes of footage of Zuckerburg having sex with a man on top of the American flag.
-CF ’14
