In what international commentators are describing as “petty,” “uncalled-for,” and “I don’t even… come on, man,” a remnant of French nobility staged an attack on what their spokesperson referred to as “the merchant class,” representing the first such act of aggression in over two centuries. Political analysts are calling this disturbance of the peace the “potential rekindling of the French Revolution” and “really, really stupid,” proving once again that the Tiger needs to get more professional political analysts.
The attack took place on Monday at 1:15 in the afternoon, in Jean-Paul’s, a fashionable grocer’s shop on a side street in Paris. Police reports reveal that a large amount of fruit was bruised, several can displays knocked over, and multiple baguettes broken. Witnesses state that the attack was perpetrated by a group of men claiming to be of French noble descent. Jean-Paul DeJeuner, the owner of the store, stated that “They kept yelling “Down with the Revolution” in English, knocking things over, and running away any time anyone got near. One of them brought posters enumerating the demands of the nobles, including the return of their land and the reinstitution of the feudal system, among other things.” The posters were left on a counter in the store to be found several hours after the attack, since the perpetrators did not bring any kind of adhesive. Other demands made were “controlling stock in the French government” and “like, ten million francs,” demonstrating a poor grasp of modern economics. The attack was over as soon as it had begun, with the men dispersing quickly upon the arrival of a single curious policeman at 1:20 PM.
Tiger reporters were in fact able to contact one of the so-called “noblemen,” as he had scrawled his cell phone number on one of the posters while flirting with a Jean-Paul’s clerk. The man, Ethan Deluc, resident of Greenway, Ark., claims to descend from the line of the Marquis de Luc, a powerful landowner circa 1790. When reached, he proved to be happy to speak to the media.
“For too long, the crimes against our families have gone unpunished. We were wrongfully stripped of our titles, our wealth, our land, our servants, and our hereditary privilege. It is our hope that other surviving branches of nobility will join us in our quest to right these wrongs. Ever since my nephew read A Tale of Two Cities, it has been my dream to quell the Revolution.”
When asked why the slogans cried out by the 200-year late counter-revolutionary group were in English, Deluc responded, “Because French is for pussies.”
As of the time of this writing, French citizenry, in retaliation to the act of vandalism on the grocer’s shop, have stormed the Bastille Memorial Museum. When asked why, Pierre du Jour, one of the rioters, stated that “they were going with what works” and “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
