Scene 1
Setting: Tobey Maguire’s apartment.
Our intrepid hero, Spider-Man director Sam Raimi, meets with Tobey Maguire to convince him to reprise the role of Spider-Man. Unfortunately, Maguire has come under the delusion that he is a real actor. Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire sit in the kitchen on opposite sides of a table. Sam Raimi is drinking coffee. Tobey Maguire is drinking pink lemonade.
Sam Raimi: The producers are on my ass to get you to commit to a fourth film, Tobey. Are you on board, or not?
Tobey Maguire: Aww dammit. Hold on. My mascara got in my eye again.
Sam Raimi: Tobey, I need an answer.
Tobey Maguire: Look, Sam, I just feel trapped in the role, you know? I don’t think the part of Peter Parker allows me to fully express my artistic potential.
Sam Raimi: Artistic potential, my ass.
Tobey Maguire: Sorry, Sam, I didn’t catch that.
Sam Raimi: You are a great actor.
Tobey pauses for a moment of reflection
Tobey Maguire: I’ll consider coming back, on one condition.
Tobey Maguire gestures to his shrine to Topher Grace. In the center of the shrine, Tobey has placed a gold-framed 16×9 photo of the cast of That 70’s Show. The faces of all of the cast members appear to be scribbled out with a black Sharpie, except for Topher Grace’s face, which has a heart drawn around it. Flanking the picture are six lit candles and fresh rose petals. The shrine sits on top of a wooden shelf draped in a crochet doily that has a pattern vaguely reminiscent of Topher Grace’s face.
Tobey Maguire: I’ll do Spider-Man 4 if you bring back Topher. He won’t return my calls anymore, and he unfriended me on Facebook. This could be my only chance to reconnect with him.
Sam Raimi: Topher will not be back. We killed off his character.
Tobey Maguire: Oh, come on. Have your people write him in. It would make about as much sense as the other crap we’ve passed off as a plot so far.
Sam Raimi: Huh. Maybe you do have a future in this business.
Tobey Maguire: Topher makes me hot.
Sam Raimi: Never speak again.
An awkward silence ensues
Sam Raimi: Dammit, Tobey, this is just too much pressure. I love the authority I have as director, but the producers are really counting on me.
Tobey Maguire: Well, as a great man once told me, with great power comes great responsibil—
Sam Raimi: I hate you so much.
Suddenly, the door is kicked in and five masked men enter, machine guns blazing. Sam Raimi dives under the table. The gunfire ceases, and the assassins leave as quickly as they came. Sam Raimi rolls over and sees that Tobey Maguire has been shot in the head twenty seven times.
Sam Raimi: About damn time.
Roll credits
