Highlights
  • The 8 Ways to Get Home for Winter Break
    December 4, 2014

    The 8 Ways to Get Home for Winter Break

    Via car, with your parents Stare broodingly out the window while your mom aggressively interrogates you on your romantic prospects. Pray for the sweet embrace of death. Via car, with someone you randomly…

  • What Does “Bike Reform” Actually Mean?
    December 2, 2014

    What Does “Bike Reform” Actually Mean?

    The campus debate on bike reform has reached a fever pitch, but one question remains: what is bike reform?

  • BREAKING: New York Times Breaks Campus News Before Campus Newspaper
    December 1, 2014

    BREAKING: New York Times Breaks Campus News Before Campus Newspaper

    At 8:57 pm, while the top story on the Daily Princetonian’s webpage was “Cartoon: Family Survivor Tips,” the New York Times broke a story about last week’s ouster of Tiger Inn officers Adam Krop and Andrew Hoffenberg. The scoop comes just…

  • Hero’s Journey: My Road to Greatness
    November 14, 2014

    Hero’s Journey: My Road to Greatness

    Midterm elections were last week, and as every one knows, the greatest politicians are forged in in the trials of college student governments. Here’s a look back at one particularly ambitious freshman’s campaign speech.

  • The 54 Most Influential Books of the Last Millennium
    October 15, 2014

    The 54 Most Influential Books of the Last Millennium

    Find out the 54 most important works of literature that have been published in the last 1000 years.

  • Urgent PTENS Meningitis Texts
    October 12, 2014

    Urgent PTENS Meningitis Texts

    Following a number of zany texts earlier this year about meningitis from the University’s Emergency Notification System, the school adopted a more aggressive anti-disease stance.

  • The Bermuda Bubble Diaries
    October 10, 2014

    The Bermuda Bubble Diaries

    Several days ago, the Coast Guard apprehended Reza Baluchi after he attempted to travel 1000 miles from Florida to Bermuda in a bubble-like contraption that he constructed himself and calls the “Hydro Pod”. Through inside connections, we have obtained his journal entries detailing his epic quest. It is truly the Odyssey of our time.

  • Class Council Campaign Promises
    October 6, 2014

    Class Council Campaign Promises

    Free townies, rain means class is optional, and residential college graveyards.

  • How Can Consent Be Real If Our Sex Isn’t Real?
    September 19, 2014

    How Can Consent Be Real If Our Sex Isn’t Real?

    Ever felt that online debates surrounding rape culture could be ended if that one special person would just chime in? Jaden Smith is here to save the day, taking inspiration from his favorite publication, The Princeton Tory.

  • Emoticons for an Evolving Age
    July 12, 2014

    Emoticons for an Evolving Age

    Sometimes a crude, punctuation-based picture is worth a small collection of words. And in this age of smartphones, where texting could transform at any moment into meaningful conversation, never has the conservation of…

  • Who Said It: Eisgruber or Pinochet?
    April 13, 2014

    Who Said It: Eisgruber or Pinochet?

    Can you figure out which quotes are from Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber and which are from Brutal Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet?

  • Rejected Hardy Boys Titles
    April 2, 2014

    Rejected Hardy Boys Titles

    The Hardy Boys and The Secret of the Internship Search The Hardy Boys and The Key to Dad’s Liquor Cabinet The Hardy Boys and The Juxtapositions of Narratives:  A Deconstruction of Gendered Characterization Paradigms in Postmodern…

  • Who Is This Man? A Profile of President Eisgruber
    April 1, 2014

    Who Is This Man? A Profile of President Eisgruber

    Princeton President Christopher Eisgruber opens up about his adventurous past and talks about his journey to the job.

  • Clumsy, Bumbling Green Beret Squad Stabilizes Middle East
    April 1, 2014

    Clumsy, Bumbling Green Beret Squad Stabilizes Middle East

    After a wholly improbable sequence of events, the uncoordinated, ham-fisted Green Berets of ODA 5327 somehow managed to bring stability and order to the entire Middle East, learning a valuable lesson about the importance of friendship in the process.

  • Green Is Good
    April 1, 2014

    Green Is Good

    Seattle, WA. 11:25 am. The trendy green products markets open at 11:30. It’s game time.

  • Under the Underground Railroad
    April 1, 2014

    Under the Underground Railroad

    It is America in the mid-1850s. We are in an age of social intolerance & civil unrest. America is fast approaching civil war, and every day becomes more dangerous than the last for abolitionist Frederick Turner, who writes to his fiancée.

  • Is Your Teen Doing “Weed?”
    April 1, 2014

    Is Your Teen Doing “Weed?”

    Has your child been acting strangely in recent years? Odds are, they are using illegal drugs to become “high.” Be on the lookout for the following telltale signs.

  • Campus Safety Alert
    April 1, 2014

    Campus Safety Alert

    This is NOT a test. Because of an anticipated surplus of alcohol in the Princeton University Public Safety staff lounge, students and faculty are advised to come down-campus and help us kill these 30-racks starting at 10 pm today, March 27th and continuing into the early hours of March 28th.

  • Green Eggs and Daaaaaamn
    April 1, 2014

    Green Eggs and Daaaaaamn

    I do not like Green Eggs, but damn…

  • The Most Sustainable Excerpts from 50 Shades of Green
    April 1, 2014

    The Most Sustainable Excerpts from 50 Shades of Green

    Right now, the only thing hotter than global warming is this steamy new romp from G.W. Jameson. The novel, printed on mostly recycled material, follows the passionate commitment to helping our planet shared…

  • Capmandon’t
    December 4, 2013

    Capmandon’t

    I’ve been doing some contract work lately. Anscombe Society stuff. Why? Cause I’m the best in the biz, that’s why. I’ve been preventing hookups since you were wearing diapers, kid. I’m a professional. They call me “The Blocker.”

  • Ask Dr. Sex
    December 4, 2013

    Ask Dr. Sex

    A lot of people have asked me where my favorite place to do the sex is. I always tell these people that there is no place better than Prospect Garden. But it is no easy task because I assume that you want to keep it a secret from onlookers and P-Safe. Let me take a couple of moments to explain the best strategy.

  • Secrets to a Shredded Bod
    December 4, 2013

    Secrets to a Shredded Bod

    Worried about packing on that winter weight? Looking to ward off the Freshman Fifteen? Tired of your preceptor calling you Fatty McLovehandles? Whatever your reason, you want to get shredded. But who has the time? Now YOU do, thanks to these 5 secrets that Buddhist Monks have been using to get ripped quickly for thousands of years.

  • Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline
    November 23, 2013

    Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline

    Leading experts in college analysis have determined that Princeton is objectively better than Harvard. According to a committee of feuding alumni at US News Magazine, Princeton has achieved a US News & World Report rating of 100 beating out Harvard’s mere 99.

  • Several Tigertones Hospitalized After Drive-by Serenade
    October 19, 2013

    Several Tigertones Hospitalized After Drive-by Serenade

    In what many students are already calling this year’s most shocking incident of organized rhyme, three members of the Princeton Tigertones were hospitalized Thursday morning after being serenaded and shot at from a moving vehicle.

  • Student Wins Precept
    October 17, 2013

    Student Wins Precept

    When asked for general thoughts on the book his professor wrote, a student posed a question so intellectual, thought-provoking and unquestionably correct that his professor, Bernard Kensington, was unable to muster a response.

  • President Eisgruber Steps Down, Cites Three-Year Affair with David Petraeus
    October 7, 2013

    President Eisgruber Steps Down, Cites Three-Year Affair with David Petraeus

    In a move that has shaken the Princeton community to its very core, President Christopher L. Eisgruber resigned from his position Monday morning, revealing a “passionate, tragic” affair between himself and former U.S. Army General David Petraeus.

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