The Heir of Whitman Returns

Shortly after the most recent case of meningitis was reported on campus, University Spokesperson Martin Mbugua confirmed that the mysterious “Heir of Whitman” had left another message promising further meningococcal illness.


Ivy Cocktail Night Secret Shopping List

A drink is only as good as its ingredients. Accept no substitutes, except in Autumn, when pumpkin spice can in some cases be substituted for a seasonal twist.

Eisgruber’s Presidency as told by his Bing® Search History

bing constitutional law urban dictionary provost 2 Chainz music videos coursera reviews online phD pronunciation of Mbugua University of Phoenix Do I need a PhD? who is kwame appiah who are grace…

Student Regrets Not Spending More Time Studying Alone

A local student reports that if he could change one aspect of his college experience, it would be the lack of time spent studying alone in his room in the dark.


Missing Child Discovered in Dorm

On Wednesday, October 16, a two-year-old child was found in a single in Bloomberg during a routine fire inspection. The toddler was discovered sitting in a hamper-turned-playpen, playing with a sock and a hot pink sports bra.


Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline

Leading experts in college analysis have determined that Princeton is objectively better than Harvard. According to a committee of feuding alumni at US News Magazine, Princeton has achieved a US News & World Report rating of 100 beating out Harvard’s mere 99.

Princeton’s Endowment is Huge

“I always saw ads on the internet that promised to make my applicant pool bigger and stronger, and I never believed them,” said Eisgruber. “But one day, I clicked, and, well—here we are.”


Grade Deflation Committee Finds Students’ Grades Still Too High, Recommends 10% A’s

The faculty committee created by University President Chris Eisgruber to assess the University’s grading policy released its findings well ahead of schedule on Tuesday, recommending that no more than 10 percent of the grades given in any department should be A’s—a reduction from the current figure of 35 percent.


Loki the Hedgehog Faces Disciplinary Action for Adderall Use

PRINCETON, NJ — In an effort to raise students’ spirits and provide light-hearted inspiration for those studying into the wee hours of the morning during midterms week, the Office of the Dean of…

Drive By Serenade

Several Tigertones Hospitalized After Drive-by Serenade

In what many students are already calling this year’s most shocking incident of organized rhyme, three members of the Princeton Tigertones were hospitalized Thursday morning after being serenaded and shot at from a moving vehicle.

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