Robert George Has Fucking Crazy Newman’s Day

Shortly after waking up in a garbage can behind Frist Food Gallery on Saturday night, Robert P. George, the McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University, proudly announced to Tiger reporters that he…


Princeton’s New Hot Profession: Divestment Banker

Gone are the days when the graduating class of Princeton University would descend en masse onto Lower Manhattan to take their spots in the trading floors and brokerage houses of Wall Street. No longer…


Student Proves Opinion Correct by Posting Picture of Self on Facebook

Percy Worthington ’16 proved his opinion correct by posting a picture of himself on Facebook, sources say, pioneering a new 21st century style of argumentation that logicians are calling argumentum ad selfie. “For…


University Affirms It’s In Favor of the Rest of the Constitution, Too

After issuing a vague statement passionately insisting that they support the First Amendment, which, presumably, they already did, Princeton’s faculty announced Friday that they also supported the main body of the Constitution, as well…


USG Cancels Big Sean At Lawnparties, Uses Money To Buy Corvette

Decision Blamed on “Ungrateful” Students Disappointed at what they termed a “thankless student body” after their Lawnparties announcement, the leaders of the Undergraduate Student Government today shocked Princeton University by canceling Big Sean’s…


Admissions Officers Admit to Spying After Prospective Students Find University Cameras in their Homes

On Tuesday, March 31, Princeton University released its admissions decisions to regular-decision applicants around the world. However, decision letters aren’t the only thing from admissions now inside students’ homes. In the weeks leading…

The Mysterious Life of the Sexually Frustrated: A Documentary

In this orange bubble, there lives a breed that can sit in the library for hours on end, create cellular applications, and invest in derivatives. While they may look primitive, their minds are…


“There Is No God”: One Man’s Quest to Win an Amazon Gift Card by Taking Psych Thesis Surveys

Four years. Four years, I have tried. Four years—four years! four years! I have tried. Four years, I have failed! I have tried everything now. My name is on all six res college…


Alternatives to the Eating Clubs

Have eating clubs got you down? Are you sick of relying on a broken, arcane system that forces you to rank all of your best friends in order to eat lunch with them?…


Sixty Nine

I like my sex big and 69,000 is as big as it gets.

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