Entertainment

A Brief Commentary on the Lyrics of Kanye West’s Verses in E.T. by Katy Perry

I got a dirty mind/ I got filthy ways/ I’m tryna bathe my ape in your Milky Way Kanye starts off strong here. He establishes off the bat that, despite Katy Perry’s best…

NBA Lockout Ends as David Stern Finds Key

Basketball fans everywhere this week are rejoicing, as news emerged last week that the NBA Lockout had come to an end. The NBA, located at 645 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York, is…

Why Jason Derülo is the Pinnacle of Musical Ingenuity

He sings his name before every song You know what it is. You’re rocking out to some dope-ass beats and then, “It’s the Cataracs” drops out of nowhere. At first you think, “Why?”…

Joe Paterno Also Covered Up Who Killed JFK, Where Other Sock Goes In Dryer

In a shocking new twist in the Penn State case, disgraced former head of the Penn State football program Joe Paterno has been found to have covered up far more than previously thought. In…

A Letter to the Defense

From the desk of Offense… Defense, Where do you get off? Special teams told me what you said about me. I’m a showoff? Is that so? Where do you get the nerve? I’m…

An Open Letter to Batman

Dear Batman, You probably don’t know me. But I know you—very well. It was a cool evening last Sunday, at about 6 p.m., when you crashed my head through the bank teller’s window…

Princeton Defeats Harvard in Animal Abuse Match

In addition to football’s three-point victory over Columbia last week, Princeton managed to eke out another win against arch-rival Harvard in the annual Ivy League animal abuse tournament. The Tigers defeated the Crimson…

Tiger Woods Finds Lost Lucky Underwear, Resumes Winning

Jupiter, FL – A crowd quickly gathered at the home of Tiger Woods early Monday morning in preparation for an impromptu press conference regarding the American golfer’s recent find of his beloved lucky…

Ohio State Tattoo-Gate Violators Sentenced to Death

Columbus, OH — The five Ohio State players caught trading their own personal possessions for tattoos have been sentenced to the death penalty. The affected players include 2010 leading rusher Dan Herron, number…

U2’s Exotic New Album Totally Uninspired by Indian Music

U2 released their new album “Save the World” today to iTunes and record stores across the world. BBC music gave the album 5 out of 5 stars, claiming “From the very first track,…

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