US Government Institutes “Big Brother” Program


WASHINGTON, DC – The Administration for Children and Families announced plans this week to implement a new nation-wide mentorship program for underprivileged youth starting in 2014. The program, dubbed “Big Brother” by the ACF, will provide companions to act as older siblings to “at-risk” children in low-income areas. The Administration has been working closely with the National Security Agency to ensure that the mentor units are programmed in compliance with “government standards.”

Each of the “Big Brothers” will be equipped with cameras and microphones so that children can practice making movies and songs to share with their mentor. In addition, the machines will also have 4G connections to an online “Safety Cloud,” where parents can observe their child from work.

While the offer of free child care and a responsible adult figure in children’s lives seems almost too good to be true, NSA Director of Surveillance Keith Alexander assured the public that the government has no ulterior motives behind this project.

“Our Big Brothers are watching over your children, teaching them good American values, and nothing else. Any allegations these friendly guys have thought-monitoring sensor arrays that send the brainwaves of everyone in a 30-mile radius to a government server in Fort Meade are completely unfounded,” Alexander stated at a press conference yesterday morning.

This statement seems to have won over the majority of Americans, as a recent poll suggests that 97% of parents agree that “as long as I’m not doing anything wrong, it doesn’t matter that unpatriotic thoughts trigger our buddies’ ‘Guantanamo’ settings,” while only 3% responded “something about this seems odd.”

In response to the poll, one anonymous Twitter user under the handle “Snedward Oden” recently tweeted “wow u guys r dum srsly I can’t evn wit dis.” The public, however, seems not to mind.

President Obama declined to comment on the program.

– MWG ’16. Illustrated by CZY ’15.

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